the Crushing Weight of Mountains 3/2/21
​
I am so grateful not to be pressed by the crushing weight of mountains today
Mountains that I cannot climb, that I cannot get out from under
I am relieved to not be crushed by the weight of “me” today.
In this moment I am free from the dismal density of self-doubting reality
Today the burden of self-hood does not press so painfully upon me
As it once did, as it so often has, as it in passing, still sometimes does…
Now I know this cruel trick of fate, - that trickster - trying to make me believe
That I am make-believe, trying to deceive me with the belief that I am not enough
That I am not worthy, that I am broken, beyond repair, a gaping wound that will never heal...
In this world of make-believe, I am what I believe.
I believe what I am taught
Until I un-school myself. & so I have, beneath the crushing weight of mountains
The smallest most meaningless molecules of me have struggled to breathe and thought
Why bother
Then, something flea size fly size butterfly size mouse size rat size... something inside outside
Wide as the swaths of stars, deep as the dark depths of earth beyond my comprehension
Beyond words…
- those complicated harbingers of belief-
Something stirred, still stirs, …stillness stirring… incomprehensibly
A glimmering, the residue of stars, sparkles of my truth, divine truth, finds itself dancing
Stillness is part of dancing, It sets the whirl to blaze
I dye in this empty stillness… I find nothing nothing nothing
Which soon, though slowly, exposes itself as everything, everything, everything...all the colors
retch and yawl, creep and crawl, stretch out from their glimmering, yearning, turning to roar fires of desire
To live. Fully.
To find truth, curiosity, wonder, adventure, expression, relation, compassion, celebration...
What is it to be alive in this body? why is it one would want to die before life is done with this body?
What part of me wants to dye?, what expired aspect is sacrificing itself for change, for growth
Of new life
I am a force of nature
You are a force of nature
We are a force of nature
Nature shows us how to do this
We have so much life to live
So much love to give
Love is breathing us
The love of the universe is dancing through us
Its creation
We are the universe celebrating its creation
Doubting its creation
Like all artists creating, doubt and questioning are parts of the process
that bring forth the form of the whole
Aren’t they?
Like the way that expressing grief breeds joy and feeling the fullness of love and joy gives way to grief...
Nothing permanent, nothing lasting…
Everything gives itself to what’s next
This is healing, this is living, all the humble and resistant receiving
All the generous overflow and also, the sometimes fearful clutching of the giving
All of it, all of it, all of it, parts of the song to which we are dancing

I am beginning a series, a training and a book with this theme - FORCE OF NATURE.  This is the first shared writing from upcoming said things.  I welcome your stories of teachings and healings from nature as well!  

Here is my writing from a trip i took in September.  The memory of it inspires me everytime! Enjoy!

We are backpacking, carrying all that we will need for 5 days, along the trail from Usal, named for ‘United States of America Lumber’ company, as they were trying to clear cut this area for decades to continue highway 1 along the coast, to Anderson creek, where there is a secluded little black sand beach. Thank goodness the land, again and again, held out and said, ”no”  to those who would blow up these rocky outcrops and clearcut these thickly wooded inserts of forest to lay down pavement.  The unadulterated natural beauty here, only accessible by foot, is worth the work to visit. 


 It is a very rugged up and down trail we are on.  At some points it disappears into trees, bushes, and poison oak.  We even encounter a landslide where rope has since been tied by caring volunteer tenders of this obscure trail, between two fallen trees still clutching the sideways earth with stubborn roots.   I work to get purchase with my sneakered feet into the loose, sandy, gravely hillside.  I am hanging onto the rope for dear life as my beloved Jess works to give tension to the other end and make it easier for me.   I am still holding on to the rope as I hear a scrambling of rocks and a shuddering of the bushes high above.  I  look back to see where I just nervously crossed.  From way up the mountain, rocks as big as my head come bounding down.  I see a cavalcade of potentially lethal strikes to my fragile human form.  I see where I could have been pummeled and thrown down the steep slope by this movement of the earth which did not seem to be propelled by my actions.  I guess that we were warned by the aesthetics of the place, but I had truly not realized until this moment how actually at risk my life is here.  I had been afraid of sliding down the hill, but honestly had not considered that the hill might yet be falling down on me!


We are far above the sea in many spots, on arid hillsides with wide views of the Pacific Ocean, wider views than my little mind knew were possible.  At other turns in the trail we descend through ferngully-like, lush landscapes and dive through underbrush down to trickling streams making their way to the ocean.  The rises and falls here are dramatic. I am grateful for my daily yoga practice that  keeps my body in tune for this kind of push - the many pushes really, that we are having to make to navigate this landscape with heavy packs on our back.   Returning upwards from one of these low lying ravines, breathing heavily, scrambling up the sketchy little trail, the path ahead looks to be evening out which is a relief to my burning thighs and the heart beat pounding in my ears.  My breath is ragged and my head full of commentary that I am too breathless to speak as we reach the high point of the trail here.  We are back out in the bright hot sun now, with one last burst up the hill before a reprieve.


  Ahead of us is the welcoming density of a shady forest.  As we approach though, it actually feels foreboding, like the forbidden woods in a fairy tale that you know you shouldn’t enter because this is where bad things happen, where the evil witch lives, or some such thing… The branches of the trees are old and scrambled all together, there is a bit of an archway over the path but it is a scraggly, ominous reaching of creepy dark fingers of ancient, failing, falling limbs that both beckon and threaten overhead.  I make jokes about the deep dark forest of the mind, horror movies and such… We are casually chatting and dancing with our imaginations now that we have more breath.  The path turns to the right, back towards the ocean, it’s scent comes in wisps upon the air, though it cannot be seen as now we are in the thick of trees.  The earth to the right of us on this part of the path begins to drop away down into a deep dark gulch.  


Suddenly, we are hushed.  My love pauses me, and I am caught mid-sentence as we stand on the edge of this dark chasm of redwoods, moss, ferns, and ..absolute.. silence…. 


The silence has stunned us into silence.  We cannot even comment about it.  The feeling arising in me is spiritual, it is emotional, it is full body awe and wonder.  I cannot remember ..ever… feeling.. so .. much.. silence…have we shushed the birds?  
Oh, far away.. one. little. sweet tweet,.. birds do live here in this deep, damp, musty and majestic redwood silence.  


Silence.  Wow.  


There are no power lines overhead, no airplanes, the sky is barely peeking through the dense overstory.  There are no far away leaf blowers, there is no incessant beeping, barking, no whir of generators, motors, voices…nothing.  


Stillness overwhelms me.  We stand, planted in reverence to this massive, passive, powerful 
force of nature.  


Creepingly, I  feel sick with the sickness that we live in back home, the constant noise of construction, destruction, vehicles, beeping,  humming of power transformers, buzzing of modems, the noise of everyones phones and conversations, alarms, sirens, signals, radio waves, EMF’s, and noisy white noise machines to drown out the noise of everyones noise living so close to each other, trying to find privacy and feigned silence in the city of Oakland.  We are plagued by noise from all points around us and all points within us.  We are on constant alert.  No wonder meditation is so especially difficult for the city dweller.  We have forgotten what silence and stillness actually feel like… Have I ever actually known? 
 I cannot remember feeling this much profound silence and stillness in my whole life.  I have momentarily sensed it in meditation, tasted in in part, in relatively quite places, between the scramble and flow of thoughts and “shoulds”… but this… this, in an instant is the spacious blissful state sought by those who sit.


I let this expansive, beautiful dark silence drop deep into my being.  I sense the softness of my body, softening, held gently in this resplendent redwood womb.  I surrender to the open wonder of my heart. Nothing in me is gripping.  I melt into the quiet, sublime radiance of the natural world.
 I am.  
I just am… 
This just is.  
This is how I am meant to be.  In harmony with great mother, this blessing of a planet…
 I feel so nourished, so complete. 
 I am at ease.  

​

I will take this with me for life… 

it is winter solstice as i first write this.  I have just gotten home from visiting my mother, the first trip that i can remember returning home from and not feeling depressed about it all.  Magick happened on that visit.  My daughter now sees my mother as "magickal".  Magick has indeed happened for this to be true.  Soon after arriving home i receive a package in the mail from Santa Rita jail - some incredible art with an even more incredible apology that i had given up on years ago after exhausting myself from trying to forgive again and again.  There are so many little points of light arriving with this Solstice, so many seeds that i had planted with thin hopes are finally finding their way to the light... 
This poem (below) was written in the swirls of conversations with a couple of people that ive been having communication challenges with around this same time, feeling despairing... Yet, i remember, and i listen and watch for these moments in life and nature where we are being taught and reminded even in our forgetting and fancies of quitting. 
​I want to acknowledge that i know that none of this is very polished.  This is what I have always thought a BLOG was for and i decided not to change my mind about it BLOGS (such a funny word) are for sharing casual, honest life experience that may help others.  All of your comments and questions are welcome.  May the turning of this year be blissful for you, may you feel steadiness even in the wildest weathers.  Blessed be...


PLANTING SEEDS IN THE DARK

Planting seeds in the dark,
knowing, the light will return
Listening to my heart
hearing her cries as she burns
to death, this waning life
chilling , what once remained warm

I struggle with being alright
w/ wanting more & more
w/ wanting nothing & giving up
because the walls are not giving in
for over them, it is heard to see
the future which ive quested to believe

lying in darkness, cocooned
truthing thru hardness
knowing its difficult to receive 
one who gets so marooned
eacho f us is an island of our own
nto getting what we need
neither giving all for what we plead

i am planting seeds in darkness
knowing the light is coming
trusting the light is coming
hoping...
the light is coming

i listen to your pain in the dark
not knowing what to do with it
knowing, i have something
to do with it

i am the light
you are the light
we are turning
the earth is turning
the moon appears to be turning

sometimes, everyone has just got to
be with their hurting
the heart of each failing 
to feel like we are unworthy

i am planting seeds in the dark
seeds of remembering 
for times of forgetting
things are growing
all is ever changing
we are all worthy

i struggle, i falter
i bow before the altar
all of it, altered
everchanging...
stop wasting life wishing, blaming...

i preach, i pray
i feel in to what to say
i mince my words
chop them up into little bits
scatter them like horse shit
to fertilize what hopes to grow

but why hope?
when one proclaims to trust life

i ask you whats going on with you 
you dont answer most of my questions
you ask me more questions
it is easy to get distracted by these,
talk about myself
altho what is desired is to hear you out

we suffer our silence
our stories become violence
are these words well spent
or best hoarded

i just want to connect
my heart yields 
to prioritize "protect"
mind says, "deflect"
 - this is not yours
yet, alas - we want the same thing

i am still here waiting
for you to take everything
wishing i could teach you how to
take everything & get over it
but thats not really what this is for is it?

Planting seeds in darkness
visiting place of struggle
trusting the light will return

enduring thru doubt
wanting to quit - not quitting

i sit with patience
i work with diligence
i allow myself ease
with the unease

& so in the darkness
despite doubt & hopelessness
despite fear & pain
i witness the turning
experience the cracking open
see seeds planted
release sprouts of new life

i see courageous arms
reaching for the light
feel daring hearts
trusting that they might
be safe to grown and change
to seek their own way

where once it was not seen
now the light grows
vulnerability shows
a powerful grace is rising up
we live, we struggle,
we love, love, love...

Day 2 of moon cycle, April 2019   Re-Cognition (to learn again, to take new perspectives)

Trigger Warning: discussion of mental illness, anxiety, panic attacks, trauma, drugs, self harm & cursing.

***************I apologize in advance if any of this triggers or feels offensive to anyone who suffers or loves someone who suffers.  I hope that this can be heard as my still unfolding understanding of my own experience. I share it with a shaky tender heart as honestly as i can. This is not intended to be a judgement or a ‘how to’ for anyone else’s process.  I am sharing part of a process of re-cognition. I think and hope that my honest share can save someone else some unnecessary struggle and offer hope and kinship on the path to self knowledge and healing.*****************


Still fucked up after all these years…!?

I talked to Mom today.  I miss my Mom. She’s on the East coast and i only see her once a year these days.  I haven’t called for months. I am feeling like a bad daughter. My absence = my guilt.  

Guilt, blame & shame are the heritage of my lineage.

Talked to my life partner about our mutual beloved whom i have previously hurt emotionally by being harsh.  She still doesn’t trust me. Still repeating stories of my past ignorance, frustration and struggle that have caused her pain.  I feel my shame/ guilt trigger kick in and my tone/ energy become defensive.

I am sitting at the computer for a rare two hours in this overworked month to tackle a challenging list.

I call my daughter to see about her making her way home from college, her FAFSA needing completing, etc..  She tells me that FAFSA is my job as i sit before a mountain of things to do, and i am looking at the payments i have made to her school.  As i sign on to try to find her FAFSA my own OLD school loans pop up and remind me of decades of shame.

Passwords, taxes, marital status (or lack thereof), debt, confusion, ...stress….

“Something” in all of that triggered what i am now recognizing as a subconscious reactive pattern showing up in the form of an anxiety/ panic attack.  

I have previously vehemently avoided labels.  Since i was first “diagnosed” i have rejected the naming as it came with prescriptions (more on that later).  I have entirely resisted considering that i had an anxiety disorder or panic attacks my whole life.

Meanwhile, my mother is in a constant state of depression and so stuffed with the unexpressed emotions of her traumatic experiences that she seems (to me) ready to burst with violent outbursts or tears at any moment.  My stepfather as well, always angry and depressed. I have lived with all of these as my default states. I was born with a rebellious, ebullient nature which i was too rarely able to express safely. I was beaten and shamed for being too loud, crazy, expressive, emotional, for singing!, etc…

(Exhale…)

So, back to yesterday - I felt my nervous system “short circuiting” - that is the best way that i can describe it.  That familiar feeling of edgy, over-full, jittery, jarring, about-to-explode energy. My breath gets short. My heart races. My muscles, especially my jaw, neck and shoulders, tense extremely.  There is a physical response (to the situation) that i feel is largely out of my control.

I know i want to be calm and show up reasonably and responsibly for my daughter.  But what i am feeling is not rational. I cannot think it away. I cannot breathe fully.  I try. I practice breathing everyday. I try to lengthen the exhale. I try to get a bigger inhale.  I try to relax my nervous system. It is not enough. I cannot get enough breath. I feel as though i am drowning, suffocating…
FUCK!
I am still crazy after all these years, after all of this work… (this is the thought that wants to keep imposing itself, that wants me to feel helpless, suicidal and quit trying).
Still trying to breathe deeper, i try to explain to my nearby partner what is happening to me physically.  I ask for help, “Touch me, ground me, i need pressure on my shoulders...rub the base of my skull…” I offer directives as specifically and calmly as i can but i feel scared, and so he feels scared and tentative, hesitant.. This only makes me more upset.

I’m asked what’s wrong, “did something big happen that i missed?”  It’s a fair question, and it’s triggering, like the story inside that there is something wrong with me for having these kinds of feelings…
It is unexplainable.  It’s the way that i have always been under pressure.  Except usually i freak out, scream, yell, hit things, break things, run away…

Except,
Today i do not run.  I choose not to freak out.  I sit and watch the raging fire, i take what breath i can while feeling like i’m drowning...
I can see it more clearly now.  I am not this feeling. I need not be consumed or subsumed by this feeling.  
After years of practice and being more and more able to quell these feelings, i can SEE what is happening and i am not caught up in it entirely.  There is space between “it” and “me”. This is not me. This is my body. This is fight/ flight/ freeze response. This is a subconscious reactive pattern.  This is the circuitry that was wired and fired during early trauma to protect me. Here it is, rearing its ugly head, trying to protect me again. The velocity of the response is as though a tiger is coming.

It takes 2 minutes to shift our physiology.  I know this. The thought is there along with the witnessing of my feeling of out of control physiology.  

I feel like the breathing is not working.  I want to quit trying, i want to scream…


JUST> Keep> BREATHing.

I kept breathing.  I turned away from the triggers of technology and finances.  I ate food. It is not how i would choose to calm but food does calm me.  I remembered forward folds - they help. Pressure on my head and body helps.  Sound helps; sighing, moaning, singing (if i can get enough breath!). Yelling helps too but then i always have to deal with the consequences of “being crazy”, of hurting/ scaring someone else too which just continues the tangle of this messy head business.  Trying not to yell…
Things quelled.  Something new had happened.  I wasn’t clear on it yet.

I went to teach my evening classes.  Humbled. I spoke to breath practice - the need to create foundation for when we need something to hang on to, so that we have a default level of understanding/ trust that we can fall back on when it feels like breath is not enough.  So that when we feel ‘crazy’ we can just keep breathing. Observe the fear and trust the process. We can get to know in our bones that it all will keep changing… Although in the moment it can feel like the end of the world.

Breath is catchy -  like yawns, when people around us are stressed and breathing shallowly or calm and deep breathing, we can feel it and tend to do the same things subconsciously  This is where our early conditioning often begins, from our parents modeling.

I was born into a traumatized, stressed out, reactive family.  As a teen in recovery i found yoga. I stuck to yoga because right away i felt more connected than i ever had in mind, spirit and body.  It was literally awe inspiring to feel such a connection with the layers of self like i never had before. Mind body and spirit greeted one another consciously for the first time.  I felt my first melting, my first glimpse of open awareness.


The next day I sent my daughter this text;

“Good day my love.  I want to apologize for my anxious communication yesterday.  I am really working to not let those physical reactive patterns eat my head and disrupt connection and yet, sometimes, in the moment, or for a couple of minutes, even focused on deep breathing, i fail.  I am on my moon, i am overbooked right now and sometimes my nervous system just feels like it is short circuiting, it’s more and more rare these days and i am having more space to witness it so i am realizing more what is happening.  I know you have lived with me being this way your whole life. Im sorry. I’ll try to recognize the triggers more and back off and ask for help or go to my practices sooner. Anyways, i love you. I want you to be able to be at ease even when there is a mountain of things to do before you… i am still learning that.. I hope that you can more easily.
… thank you, i love you, please forgive me...

She called me back as i drove yesterday.  I realized while talking to her that i have an anxiety disorder that i have had my whole life.  I inherited this from my family. I had not named it before. I realized that I and my family all have what is now called anxiety and depression and that i / we/ the world has passed it on to another generation.

As a teen i was suicidal, I self medicated, became a full blown daily user, addicted to cocaine from 14-16+ years old.  I hit bottom hard and fast. I / the grace of the divine got me to the authorities and I got sober.
I have broken many chains, but not all.  My daughter breaks more. Together in our processing we grow up, we evolve.

In rehab i was told i was manic depressive amongst other things and that i should take drugs (the message i got) for these things.  I was trying to kick drugs! I was rebelliously perplexed at being offered drugs. I now realize that besides trying to escape my self loathing, misery, shame and abusive home life by doing drugs that i was trying to balance out my own chemistry.

It would have been nice if we were taught how our brains work in rehab.  I guess we (as a culture) have now learned so much more about neuroscience and trauma that maybe those in charge didn’t actually have the means to share then?  I certainly have learned so much more and am on fire to share the learning.. I think it could save many lives. Hence, this vulnerable share.

Anyways, i talked to my daughter and apologized for not seeing / knowing / accepting that i had an active anxiety disorder while she was growing up.  I had rejected all labels as they seemed to come with drugs, excuses, and “poor me” / victim mentality. My baseline (thanks to my survival-oriented mom) has always been to work hard to make the changes that need to be made, to fight (thanks dad), and tough it out through whatever arises: all feelings (except maybe anger) aside.  I was able to make much change and have profound healing from this old school place of thinking, and presently i continue to awaken to more healthful ways to grow and change.

So when my daughter began to have panic/ anxiety attacks i thought she was “catching” them from her friends as many of her friends were experiencing some sort of these at the time.  It seemed to me to be a trend.  I wondered where she got this way of reacting to life.  
Was it because i had had scary outbursts and now she did not trust life and would break down in fear?  She would not let me touch her during her episodes. It was so hard for me. I felt so much guilt and shame and really wanted to fix it.  Yet, i also told her she didn’t need professional help. Ignorance.

I pushed her to not let the thoughts get to her, to think positively, to breathe more deeply, to have physical practices to move energy.  These things can be helpful, we both now acknowledge, but at the time, I made it worse for her. They don’t always work immediately or fully in the moment of “attack”, or at least being told to do them by your hard ass mom doesn’t necessarily help in the moment.  She felt (she tells me now) like something was really wrong with her. She didn’t understand (as i didn’t) why she was feeling helplessly, uncontrollably the way that she did.

I tried to make her tough, like i was made tough.  I told her to toughen up, that she would not be able to get through life with this kind of weakness.  It was not until i read Ta Ne-hisi Coates’ book, “Between the World and Me,” where he apologizes to his son for trying to make him tough, that i truly realized and had such lamentable sorrow for what i had done to my baby.
I am (once again) realizing how much i can stop being “tough” and soften even more, slow down even more… This has been my recurring lesson for decades now.

I am so sorry, babe...I seem to be such a slow and resistant learner.

We talked about how, when she had these things (emotional/ physical reactive patterns) going on that she was glad that she knew they had a name so that she could research (thank you internet!) and learn more.  She found communities of people dealing with the same things and supporting each other.

This broke my heart a bit more open, for her and for my young self - forcefully pushing through where i could have been supported.  If i had more information, if i had known/ accepted/ acknowledged “labels,” then i could have supported her more...I could have moved beyond feeling like i was “fucked up” my whole life, hating on myself, ashamed of where i came from, and thereby perpetuating the patterns!  No matter how much work i did, the reactive patterns kept reappearing. Over the years, more space came between incidents, but i still had a long line of beloveds who thought, just as i did, that i was “crazy”. I ashamedly received their decree because i believed it. I didn’t know any better then, now i do.

I am not “fucked up”.   You are not “fucked up”.
It is arguable whether or not the world is fucked up.


Either way, we have sensitive, pliable, and resilient nervous systems.  We can repattern our thought/ feeling connections and thereby affect the chemicals that pour into our system as a cellular response to emotions.  We can change our physiology.  It helps to understand what is happening.  Labels can be good for this. Research and community are helpful.  None of us need be victim to our genealogy.
We have the power to make choices, to take action, to change and to break the chains of inherited conditioning, subconscious response due to trauma and threats that are no longer present.  We now have tools, wisdom, and support at our fingertips. It is a blessing of this technological age. The information and resources we need to be supported (including pharmaceuticals and plant medicines) are readily available.  These can be powerful, necessary things to help us through transitions.

My experiences have taught me how powerful my mind/ thoughts/ emotions are.  
My perspective is that we ALL have the power to change these things within ourselves.  When we do, the world around us changes… and it ripples out…

My purpose is to continue to heal and unfold the unabashed fullness of my Self and to help and inspire others to do so as well.

Let us abolish shame.  Shame is a killer. It literally causes inflammation in the body.  Science has taught us that inflammation is the root cause of all (?) chronic pain and illness.  Let us honor our own processes and one anothers’. We get well together.


Some things I’ve found to help release feelings of panic/ anxiety/ anger/ depression;
*counting visual or musical patterns
*physical pressure
*rubbing gently the base of the skull/ cranial nerve 10 - the vagus nerve
*screaming into a pillow, toning, chanting, humming, growling, singing
*meditation, ultimately it will create the space to witness/ be with rather than react or identify with the feelings
*studying and truly knowing (thru practice) that it takes less than 2 minutes for an un-storied emotion to pass thru your system (see Jill Bolte Taylor, “My Stroke of Insight”)
*un-story your emotions, take the shame out of them!  Honor your feelings by witnessing without judgement. Let the energy MOVE through you.
*notice how your day can turn from wonderful to terrible in an instant and how you can choose to do the opposite and turn a terrible moment into a wonderful one.  Wonder & curiosity help.
*anything that brings you back into your body  Eat, run, shake, do yoga, massage yourself, hug a tree (really!;)
*don’t get stuck thinking one thought - keep shifting your attention
*continue to seek out new methods of helping yourself!

 For references to mind/body/ emotional healing and neurobiology i want to honor some of the sources i have learned from and encourage you to investigate more of; Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, Dr. Bruce Lipton, Dr. Candace Pert , Dr. Mario Martinez & Dr. Darren Weissman.

Deep gratitude and honoring to my generous and and courageous daughter, Ola'i for her willingness to share this story unedited.  I checked in with her with NO pressure to share it all.   She was completely open to the full share.  Ola'i you are my greatest teacher of all.  I love you beyond words.  Thank you for all that you are.

 & to all of my Yoga teachers, to all of my students as teachers, Thank YOU!  It is an honor and blessing to be on this path of unfolding fullness with you all.

 Great honor and respect to all of the lineages and teachers of yoga that encourage self knowledge and expansion.  May India flourish and benefit multifold from the immense catalogues of wisdom that have been so generously shared with the world.  May we all know times of peace where we can be so blessed to have time to study and grow in a good way.

​

The Native SocietyPositive Perspective Platform: Inform Inspire Aspire

​LUCID DAWN: MOTHER, WIFE, TEACHER, COMMUNITY ORGANIZER, RITUAL LEADER & ARTIST
​THURSDAY, APRIL 26, 2018 AT 06:14PMMy NativeAdVantage:
Bio:
Lucid Dawn has been on the Yogic path since 1994, five years into recovery from an abject early life of illness and abuse.  On this journey she has learned many healing modalities.  She does not subscribe to one 'style', but honors and integrates many.  She specializes in yoga for healing and creativity.  She is thriving as a mother, wife, teacher, community organizer, ritual leader & artist.  She is also the founder of the performance artist-activist/ yoga band, "Nona Fender & the Benders"
Lucid is fervent in her desire to help others thrive.  She weaves the teachings of Yoga; movement, breath, meditation, & Non-Dual Tantrik philosophy w/ ritual & practice that acknowledge;  season, celestial movements, and phases of life.  She includes the use of sound healing & expressive arts.  Her studies in theatre, music & voice, neuroscience, cellular biology, nutrition, essential oils, Non-Violent Communication, earth magick, energy medicine, & Lifeline Healing Technique also inform her teaching. She is dedicated to embracing all beings & all aspects of being for a full celebration of life, including courageously facing death
What do I do best?
What i do best is to weave all aspects of self, being, yoga, & other healing modalities into an integrated whole.  It has been my practice for myself to heal and learn and is what i see as a need and natural occurrence in our world of information right now.  I am a world bridger.  I am here to heal divides, to offer up an even more juicy and integrated path for creative, sensitive, healing beings to celebrate life and unfold their greatest offering to the world.  I tend to see the big picture and have an impulse towards things before they are in the mainstream.. I believe it is a time of synthesis, with so much available to us right now - a time of bringing together wisdoms and peoples for the highest good for the whole.  I think that is one of my natural gifts - to bring people together in celebration of life & weaving many modalities to do so. 
What makes me the best version of myself?
Trusting the flow of the divine thru me makes me the best version of myself.. Listening to the noisy, wordy voice of ego is sabotage.. I practice listening to the voice beyond words.  When i trust the honest impulse of universal energy that causes me to speak, not speak, touch, reach out, it strengthens that hearing, intuition,  instinct, inspiration…  Taking pause is crucial to being and expressing my truth.  So, i meditate, i listen, i write, i reflect.. These things keep me at my best.
What are my aspirations?
My personal aspirations are to continue to slow down and become gentler, calmer, and more compassionate while remembering where i came from.  I also intend to continue to see where others are on their own path with clarity, compassion and patience.  I intend to live without judgement but with passionate and available inspiration and guidance.
My business aspirations are to grow a worldwide movement that holds people in circles of love and trust to open and connect and clear lines of resistance in bodymind - to find personal and societal wholeness.  I wish to teach people by way of experience how to hold circles for seeing and healing all aspects of ourselves - whole, self accepting people will be the ones to create a whole, undivided world.   My vision is that these ancient and new ways of circling and processing will become once again models for our renewal on the earth - where people know their purpose and honor the role that each being is here to play - with respect and connected support.  May we meet and may i have the power to teach being in circles of relationship, creation, respect, wisdom sharing, and sustainable world bridging. 
My Biggest Success?
My biggest success in life so far is raising a child that is strong, confident, independent, talented, compassionate, driven, magickal, healthy in mind body spirit and sexuality.  She is friendly and supportive and stands up for the ‘underdog’.   She is motivated by social justice and inspired by the beauty and wonder of the world to break boundaries, stretch limiting ideas and create art that raises up the level of consciousness and inspires all to be their own best (or weirdest on purpose) person.  I am grateful to have had the tools and courage (presence of heart) to push thru challenges in relationship with her father (my husband) and to have largely not handed down the sicknesses that have leaked down for generations in my lineages.  She has made it thru childhood unscathed and enters the grown up world now as a powerful beacon of YES!  I dedicated myself to her thriving and i see the rewards in that.. Now, i want to do that for everyone..;)  <3
My Most Challenging Moment? 
Well, i guess i would have to pick up on my last answer to reveal my most difficult personal decision.. It had incredible impact on my life to keep the child that came to me when i was only 2 months into a relationship, and just after losing everything in a fire. In no way was i traditionally “ready” to have a child. We were new together, we lived in an artist warehouse that was under re-construction to build a dream space to service community - but was highly toxic so we stayed outside in a motorhome.  We were crazy about each other but he planned to be a touring musician and i had just left a successful, but soul degrading life of commercial modelling and acting in Hollywood for a free floating hippie artist Bay area life…  Then the fire - i really had NOTHING - except this new love and trust of the universe…  We were scared. 
I made the decision on my own, despite outer resistances, to keep that baby no matter what. I just knew with a knowing beyond words that this is what was happening, altho most people and situations in my life clearly indicated that it was a “crazy” thing to do.  I am so grateful to have had the capacity to listen to this knowing and trust myself and the universe to follow through.


My Motto?
Breathe Deeply, Live Fully.  Throughout the course of my yoga practice and training (& LIFE!) it has struck me again and again - “the breath!, wow!  the breath!”  It’s so basic, i know  - but so mind blowing, so life transforming to be aware of the breath and what is happening when we are breathing fully or not.  I have noticed patterns in myself and my family and students around holding the breath, holding emotions, holding tension, fear, old trauma, etc.. in the body - which i now see clearly as not living fully.  This is holding back.   When we breathe deep and full, emotions come- words, thoughts, our truth comes out.. and this can be scary.  It can also be the greatest gift to be in touch with the breath and notice when we are holding the body tight and not breathing fully - then we have the choice to breathe, relax, speak our truth, connect to others, connect to the actual moment at hand and therefore  - WOW! - the fullness of life that can arise from living courageously in this way.   The breath moves emotions and changes reality/ physiology.  Breathing deeply and consciously, using the breath to shift my energy has enabled me to do lots of things, to make lots of connections that i might otherwise have been holding back on.
My Favorite People/Role Models?  
My favorite people / role models are; (in no particular order) - Caroline Casey, Starhawk, Suzanne Sterling, Marshall Rosenberg, Nina Simone, PJ Harvey, ...there are also many fine female yoga teachers who weave music, activism, magick & myth into their work that i am grateful for and inspired by.  I want to touch people’s hearts, i want to inspire, i want to teach and lead with excellent communication and fierce love as i think all of these beings above do.  
My Favorite Places/Destinations?
My favorite travel destinations have been;
Maui!  - i feel it as the womb of mother earth, i love and miss her like a long lost lover when i am away too long.  The verdant land, the Aloha - the true Hawaiian spirit of connection to all of nature is present there for me.  The animism that enlivens everything and awakens, deepens ones connection to nature is so alive for me there.  I love Maui and want the Hawaiian culture to continue to re-establish itself, to grow and thrive and remind all beings of what aloha and living in harmony with nature really means… and oh swimming naked in a warm ocean at sunset (especially while hearing the whales sing underwater!)! - YES!  heaven on earth.
Brazil has been my other favorite place to visit - i LOVE the language, the music, the warm bouncy sensual nature of the people, the colorful aesthetics and celebrations.
I also love redwoods and faery lands, the way that big trees can just lift energy UP and host sooo much LIFE!  I love hiking,climbing and being in nature.  Tree hugging is actual healing and energizing!
I hope to go to Ireland and Africa and India in the near future!
My Favorite Products/Objects?
My favorite objects tend to be things that ring sing vibrate sound - i love musical instruments, singing bowls, tuning forks, bells, harps, resonant string instruments, bass drums, …
I love crystals and sparkly things of all sorts, the former for their earthy healing powers and also the latter as i seem to be attracted to anything that sparkles and shines  - i love the play of light and color in the world in general - i am an artist who appreciates art and beauty.  
I also seem to be really into gold shoes.  i have a *bit* of a collection of them.
My Current Passions?
My current passions are awakening to what is next for me!  I have been realizing my new freedoms and letting go of old identifications as i sent my daughter off to college this year and woke up to how much my life and identity had been structured around being a mom and no longer needs to be!
I have also been feeling really motivated to be a world bridger between Neo-tantra (modern California/ Western, sex based “tantra”) & Non- Dual Tantra which is the tradition that i am steeped in.  I actually got introduced to tantra thru the sexuality healing practices but later discovered  what an epic lineage of Tantra there is and how deep and wide the philosophy & practices are - and actually how little most modern/ neo-tantra has to do with its roots, and even more so, how little most neo-tantra teachers know about the history, roots, practices and philosophy of actual Tantra.  I honor that our world is largely sick in its approach to sexuality and it is time for healing and awakening of our sacred sexuality.   I honor that these people intend to be doing good work in the world and largely are.  I also see clearly that there is a hyper focus on sexuality which is so easy to sell and can be quite dangerous to those who do not have a foundation of self care,  self knowing, mental wellness, physical practice, meditation, connection to the divine, basic communication skills, integrity, etc…   These things and more, that non-sexual yoga and other healing practices have to offer help one to build a strong energy body and foundation that can handle the intense energies and relationships that come when one opens their sexual self up so much.
My main focus & thrust is self healing & living fully.  The work that i bring to others is all about connection - to all layers of ourselves, to the earth, to one another, to spirit - it is about not leaving any part of ourselves or our experience unseen, undigested, unloved - but embracing the fullness, the wholeness of all that we are and our experience here as embodied beings.  I think it is important when focusing on one branch of any discipline or practice to know well the tree that holds that branch up.



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WHAT IS THIS EXSTASIS?
My Experience and a Heartfull of Invitations to Yours

    Exstasis is the experience of connection that takes you outside of your limited sense of self.
Most of us live in a quite contracted sense of self.  It is the conditioning of our culture.  We are taught to define ourselves by our aesthetics, our interests, our ideals, etc…. We are told that we should “just be your self”.  This might lead one to think that they should only have one way of being.  We are taught even more indirectly, but possibly more impactfully,  that there is not enough for everyone.. that we are separate.  Our whole culture often seems to be built around the idea that you had better “get yours” before someone else does.

   I grew up in a survival oriented family.  There was not much treasuring or celebration of life.  My self was squelched.  I suffered the struggle and was silenced often in my self expression with violent actions and language.

  I experienced a taste of exstasis in church while singing in the choir amongst the stained glass light streams.  I experienced tastes of exstasis while playing in the woods and hearing the natural world speak.  These were my escapes.  

   I had my first fully ecstatic experience in a circle of people gathered together to get well.  At the end of a 12 step meeting people connected in a circle, held hands and said the serenity prayer.  I saw myriad colors of light coming from all of them, raising up to the sky in a point.  It felt like a great prism or teepee.  It was charged with an incredible energy.  I felt the presence of the divine charge through me like lightning and I was startled awake.  I had never seen/ felt people supporting each other in such a way before.  I clearly heard, from a voice beyond words in that moment, my life purpose.  I understood that I was alive to be a part of this and to cultivate and expand this sense of connection and support.  I felt all of those people as one, myself as part of this one.  I saw that this is truly how the world becomes a better place - with connection, togetherness and intention for the highest good.  

   I have since felt exstasis on many occasions; in performance, ritual, prayer, playing music, in yoga, chanting, breathwork, dancing, making love, living life…. Really, I feel it daily and more and moreso as a natural state of being.  I feel like each welcomed experience of this openness and connection to all beings, all nature, to the divine and formless Self adds onto itself to create an ever more accessible and ‘normal’ state of being awake, fully alive, connected.

  The most continuous ecstatic states I have experienced have been in nature; being in yoga w/ nature, climbing mountains, standing under waterfalls, swimming and singing with the whales or dolphins… I know no place better to do these things than in Maui - I feel Maui as the womb of mother Earth and as a great lover.  Sometimes Maui is out of reach.  Nonetheless, there are countless breath, sound, meditation, awareness, and movement practices that can take us out of the mundane in any moment, anywhere.  These practices are how I find true joy and ease day to day no matter where I am.  These, I would like to share with you.

  Please join us if you can in Oakland this Fall/ Winter for an 8 week series of ecstatic practices @ Mohari on Grand Ave.  Eenor & I, w/ special guest teachers, will be guiding you to your natural state of well being, to your bliss body, to your YES! To all of life! 
  You might also consider joining us in Maui February 12-18, 2018.  We are leading a carefully curated, Ayurvedically catered ecstatic practices retreat w/ Yoga, meditation, Tantrik philosophy & practice, ritual and ceremony for healing and connecting deeply to yourself, others, nature, and spirit.  As we cultivate & find ourselves in flow states, we heal ourselves and charge ourselves up to bring that healing back to the rest of the world.  

https://www.wetravel.com/trips/exstasis-in-paradise-retreat-to-maui-lucid-dawn-maui-county-28186823
https://mohari.life/classes-workshops/

with ecstatic breaths,
lucid dawn