Planting Seeds in the Dark

it is winter solstice as i first write this.  I have just gotten home from visiting my mother, the first trip that i can remember returning home from and not feeling depressed about it all.  Magick happened on that visit.  My daughter now sees my mother as "magickal".  Magick has indeed happened for this to be true.  Soon after arriving home i receive a package in the mail from Santa Rita jail - some incredible art with an even more incredible apology that i had given up on years ago after exhausting myself from trying to forgive again and again.  There are so many little points of light arriving with this Solstice, so many seeds that i had planted with thin hopes are finally finding their way to the light... 
This poem (below) was written in the swirls of conversations with a couple of people that ive been having communication challenges with around this same time, feeling despairing... Yet, i remember, and i listen and watch for these moments in life and nature where we are being taught and reminded even in our forgetting and fancies of quitting. 
​I want to acknowledge that i know that none of this is very polished.  This is what I have always thought a BLOG was for and i decided not to change my mind about it BLOGS (such a funny word) are for sharing casual, honest life experience that may help others.  All of your comments and questions are welcome.  May the turning of this year be blissful for you, may you feel steadiness even in the wildest weathers.  Blessed be...


PLANTING SEEDS IN THE DARK

Planting seeds in the dark,
knowing, the light will return
Listening to my heart
hearing her cries as she burns
to death, this waning life
chilling , what once remained warm

I struggle with being alright
w/ wanting more & more
w/ wanting nothing & giving up
because the walls are not giving in
for over them, it is heard to see
the future which ive quested to believe

lying in darkness, cocooned
truthing thru hardness
knowing its difficult to receive 
one who gets so marooned
eacho f us is an island of our own
nto getting what we need
neither giving all for what we plead

i am planting seeds in darkness
knowing the light is coming
trusting the light is coming
hoping...
the light is coming

i listen to your pain in the dark
not knowing what to do with it
knowing, i have something
to do with it

i am the light
you are the light
we are turning
the earth is turning
the moon appears to be turning

sometimes, everyone has just got to
be with their hurting
the heart of each failing 
to feel like we are unworthy

i am planting seeds in the dark
seeds of remembering 
for times of forgetting
things are growing
all is ever changing
we are all worthy

i struggle, i falter
i bow before the altar
all of it, altered
everchanging...
stop wasting life wishing, blaming...

i preach, i pray
i feel in to what to say
i mince my words
chop them up into little bits
scatter them like horse shit
to fertilize what hopes to grow

but why hope?
when one proclaims to trust life

i ask you whats going on with you 
you dont answer most of my questions
you ask me more questions
it is easy to get distracted by these,
talk about myself
altho what is desired is to hear you out

we suffer our silence
our stories become violence
are these words well spent
or best hoarded

i just want to connect
my heart yields 
to prioritize "protect"
mind says, "deflect"
 - this is not yours
yet, alas - we want the same thing

i am still here waiting
for you to take everything
wishing i could teach you how to
take everything & get over it
but thats not really what this is for is it?

Planting seeds in darkness
visiting place of struggle
trusting the light will return

enduring thru doubt
wanting to quit - not quitting

i sit with patience
i work with diligence
i allow myself ease
with the unease

& so in the darkness
despite doubt & hopelessness
despite fear & pain
i witness the turning
experience the cracking open
see seeds planted
release sprouts of new life

i see courageous arms
reaching for the light
feel daring hearts
trusting that they might
be safe to grown and change
to seek their own way

where once it was not seen
now the light grows
vulnerability shows
a powerful grace is rising up
we live, we struggle,
we love, love, love...