2020 VISION - Seeing the Hidden

     I went cross-eyed at age 2.  I know why.  There are things in this world I chose not to see and things in other worlds that were calling me.  You can only get knocked in the head with anger so many times and still want to look in that persons face.   There is a look in the eyes of some that accuses anyone who dares to look, of being the reason for their rage.  I barely remember these younger years but for fear and discomfort.  Sorry mom, this is the way the brain works.  I did not look into my fathers' eyes.  I was scared to.  Both of my parents were abusive, both of them had also been hurt and abused as children.  Same thing, later, with my stepdad.  A gaze that incited only fear.

   I did not much look into the eyes of my friends and lovers later in life as I was afraid they would see that I was cross eyed.  I was also afraid that they would see that I was wounded, that I was not as confident as my guise proposed.

    No one ever called me on it until my first Burning Man, 1998.  Stardust was her name.  I had only been in California a few years from the East coast.  I had been living & working in LA, as an actress, until uncannily enough, a door hit me in the eyebrow via the force of a stalker ex-boyfriend trying to break in.  When that blood ran into my eye, I knew it was time to move on.

  First move, Burning Man - to the initiation of eye gazing and a whole new chapter of love in my life.  I felt free and determined to find myself anew after a 3.5 year tumultuous relationship.

  Stardust asked me, "how come you never look me in the eye?"  I don't remember what I said, I just remember being stunned.  I don't think I actually realized at that point that it was something I avoided.  It was a long held, built-in survival mechanism.  No one had ever called me on it.   So, I had one of my very first eye gazing moments; vulnerable, nervous, awkward, open.  I do remember feeling grateful to have a friend who would so boldly and kindly call me out and welcome me in.   On the morning after the burn, as the sun was rising behind the new found love of my life, I lay on the open playa amidst musical friends on a blow up mattress and courageously gazed into his sky filled eyes.

I moved to SF, a hotbed of spirituality and creativity.  (This was the CA I had been looking for.  LA was good for work and dear friends, but here I found and immersed in my spirit family). I took Neo-Tantra workshops.  We eye gazed.  I blinked, cringed, laughed, cried, I flicked my eyes back and forth quickly from one to the other of my partners eyes.  It was awkward.  It was intriguing.  There was power there.  It was actually a few years before I was in a workshop where the leader was savvy enough to cut out this awkwardness and have us each stare into each other's left eye, then right eye.  Phew - that was relieving!

  Actually, soon before BurningMan, I did have a love in LA with whom I had a meditational Puja and we connected 3rd eye centers.  That was a deep kind of intimate eye gazing, though more naturally experimental.  It's fun, try it!  Bringing your faces close, you can get to the place where you see them as having one big eye and it feels like your brain waves are connected.  This was also a breakthrough.

I since have learned, that we do ‘sync up’, psychological states/ heart beats, breath, etc.., after 3 minutes of eye gazing.

  Now, I gaze at my Self, and the many variations of self that travel with.  I talk to me/them in the mirror, I let all the children inside know that we are ok now.   I celebrate myself just by looking into the eyes with approval, the approval that I didn't get growing up.  I've been practicing this eye gazing thing for a long time now, usually just for a few minutes at a time.

  I am now able to receive fully the beauty and pain of the world and I do not hide myself.  Now I gaze at everyone I meet.  I gaze at the divine and the way it expresses itself through them.  I see them, I honor them with my eyes, I invite them to be at ease and open, simply with my eyes (& smiles!;)

  Sometimes I still catch myself in the old habit of looking away quickly.  I invite myself to remember to slow down and look with the eyes of love, who knows no time.  I notice when I turn away, that I am turning away from love. I work to keep noticing the habits that do not serve life.  I give myself space to soften, be present, even - or especially - in awkwardness or discomfort.

  The gaze can hold a strong container for someone to feel safe. The gaze can let someone know you need a container in which to feel safe. The gaze can say “stay out, I am afraid, I am defensive, I am judging…” or, “dive deep into me, I am open, I trust or want to trust”…  The gaze can reveal truth without speaking.  The gaze is connection.  Connection is how we heal the trauma of lack of connection or the disconnection that happens when we experience trauma.

  Eye contact between humans and dogs has also proven to raise levels of oxytocin (happy hormone) in both beings.  This is the same bonding chemical occurring with the gaze between infants and parents.  Video can inspire some of this chemical expression as well, more than voice alone, but far less than live, in person contact.  Many opportunities - get it where you can! 

  My adult child has been practicing eye gazing with self in the mirror for 3 hour sits, for the last couple of years.  I thought that there was no way I could sit so long just looking at myself, with all that I have to do, yet they insisted - it must be 3 hours!  Now that we are in quarantine, my schedule is a bit more my own. I decided to leave other work for the day and try it - naked, without makeup… Wow.  Try it.  Do all 3 hours.  It’s real, something happens just at the end. There is a breakthrough that is profound.  Observe and sit with the discomfort of the other hours.  It’s worth it!  Healing just happens when we are present for ourselves.  I will do this many more times to see what else is there. I’d like to try with a partner for 3 hours!  After doing this with myself , I WANTED to connect more fully with those around me.  Oh!, and how we need that now more than ever!  I see others looking away more quickly than usual too, with all the confusion and pain of social distancing.  

  The greatest epiphany from staring at myself for so long this time- even while seeing all of my asymmetry, aging and so forth- was that I love myself.  I have unveiled my truth of steady & strong - even in the wavering & faltering.  I have come to truly love myself.  I can critique with out beating myself up.  I can sit and look at myself for 3 hours!!! without hating, judging, feeling disgust, contempt or wanting to run away entirely.  Yes, I scrutinized, yes, I got distracted, yes my monkey mind wanted to do a million other things.  I stayed.  I saw.  I held myself.  I went in with curiosity.  I experienced shadows of old perspectives on self inquire about their place. There was no present place for them.  Healing has happened.  It is still happening.  What a relief to not want to smash the person I was looking at!  I have smashed many mirrors, on purpose - with self hatred, in my life.  This impulse was not there at all.  It was a joyful relief to feel my own steady, connected presence with myself.  I worked for this.  I am rewarded.  This is possible for anyone.  I know this.  I wish this for you in connection with your self and others.  I encourage you to practice with all of the eyes that you are so blessed to meet...

 "...when the eye is cleansed, of whatever's been covering it,
​You become a guide to love, Just like the eye itself " - Rumi

“When the heart is full, the eyes overflow.” – Sholom Aleichem


“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.” – Paramahansa Yogananda

 “Just because a man lacks the use of his eyes doesn’t mean he lacks vision.” – Stevie Wonder

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?” – Bob Marley

“Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war.” – Otto von Bismarck

“Where words are restrained, the eyes often talk a great deal.” – Samuel Richardson

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

“The eyes shout what the lips fear to say.” – William Henry

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? “ – Henry David Thoreau

​“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” – Audrey Hepburn