When I first heard the term 'survivor', as in, "I am a survivor". My visceral reaction was , "Yes!, Me too!" It felt powerful. It was a point of identification. It was a connection to a league of people I could relate to by way of our mutual or relative struggles and the ability to have overcome. I had overcome. It felt good to recognize and name it. I had once felt alone in suffering the shame of trauma, abuse and sickness. It was good to remember that all I had been through had made me strong, a survivor.
Of course, we do need to survive first and foremost. I honor the process. Survival is the crucial first step and often a struggle. If we are coming from a place of danger, from environments of physical, mental, emotional abuse and trauma, then to make it to a place of feeling like you are survivor is huge. To have good health, community and work to sustain us is crucial to long term survival. Yet, It is not the final port. There is thriving to be had. Surviving at first can feel like relative thriving. Compared to where we once were it IS blessed, joyful, relief! Once you have experienced even a moment of this, i invite you to look forward…
I had seen myself as once broken and then fixed. Yet, I still felt and spoke about that powerless little part of me that had been so hurt, abused, sick. I held an abject view on ‘that poor part of me’ that I then for so long pitied, hated, shamed, risked, gave away, sold, cut, beat, and throttled. I still unknowingly perpetuated the pain of that part of me by focusing on being a survivor, and therefore focusing on what I had come from rather than all there was to move towards!. I had to look back and really see that I was never broken. My bodymind may have been hurt but I was the same being I am now underneath all of that life drama. Wholly, holy, whole.
With this clear vision, i woke up to deep gratitude, and then I was able to love life, to love myself. Finally. Thank Goodness, Goddess, God,… blessed, yes. I was a survivor. A warrior. It made me feel tough. I was tough. I lived tough for a long time because this was the way to survive. So tough, there would never again be humiliation or passivity. So tough, I was not real. But I felt safe and strong. I attracted situations that required me to be tough. Also, being tough I stood up to big men with false bravado and got my ass beat. I sabotaged situations that did not call for tough because I didn't yet know how else to be. There was a period of struggle between the lover and the fighter…
Now, I still feel safe and strong. I'm tough when I need to be. I’m comfortable in my skin.
But along the way I read, heard, gathered bits from many sources that made me realize that this was not the goal. This was not where I was to stop. There was and is yet thriving to be had!
Thriving is wanting what life wants. Thriving is being open to and aware of all the opportunities and blessings flowing your way every moment of everyday. This takes some quieting of the controlling mind. At one time, this sense of control may have protected us. At some point, though, what once was protection might just turn into a box, a cell, trappings. We must take pause to re-evaluate. Are these ideas of who and how I am, or not - serving my evolution?
Life has shown me that to be vulnerable, receptive, humble and sometimes even passive is the hardest, strongest and most fortifying work there is to do. Life knows what it wants from us. Life wants to push past mere surviving and into vibrant thriving. I've seen those plants rending cracks in the pavement and reaching for the light. They can transform a landscape. They would never stop at just cracking the pavement. And so, we too must push through perceived limitations and expired subconscious patterning so that we can bloom into our fullness and propagate our unique beauty in the world!
It is the signal of comfort that keeps me going forward. Am I safe and at ease, grateful and in abundance? Yes? Well, then, enjoy life but as long as you live, i say to myself... Why not go further, into your truth, into your Yes!, into your LIFE. Into giving back. This is my work now. Let me give to you as I have been so generously given to.
With humble gratitude and respect, i wish you great light on your path…
Blessed Be,
lucid dawn
Of course, we do need to survive first and foremost. I honor the process. Survival is the crucial first step and often a struggle. If we are coming from a place of danger, from environments of physical, mental, emotional abuse and trauma, then to make it to a place of feeling like you are survivor is huge. To have good health, community and work to sustain us is crucial to long term survival. Yet, It is not the final port. There is thriving to be had. Surviving at first can feel like relative thriving. Compared to where we once were it IS blessed, joyful, relief! Once you have experienced even a moment of this, i invite you to look forward…
I had seen myself as once broken and then fixed. Yet, I still felt and spoke about that powerless little part of me that had been so hurt, abused, sick. I held an abject view on ‘that poor part of me’ that I then for so long pitied, hated, shamed, risked, gave away, sold, cut, beat, and throttled. I still unknowingly perpetuated the pain of that part of me by focusing on being a survivor, and therefore focusing on what I had come from rather than all there was to move towards!. I had to look back and really see that I was never broken. My bodymind may have been hurt but I was the same being I am now underneath all of that life drama. Wholly, holy, whole.
With this clear vision, i woke up to deep gratitude, and then I was able to love life, to love myself. Finally. Thank Goodness, Goddess, God,… blessed, yes. I was a survivor. A warrior. It made me feel tough. I was tough. I lived tough for a long time because this was the way to survive. So tough, there would never again be humiliation or passivity. So tough, I was not real. But I felt safe and strong. I attracted situations that required me to be tough. Also, being tough I stood up to big men with false bravado and got my ass beat. I sabotaged situations that did not call for tough because I didn't yet know how else to be. There was a period of struggle between the lover and the fighter…
Now, I still feel safe and strong. I'm tough when I need to be. I’m comfortable in my skin.
But along the way I read, heard, gathered bits from many sources that made me realize that this was not the goal. This was not where I was to stop. There was and is yet thriving to be had!
Thriving is wanting what life wants. Thriving is being open to and aware of all the opportunities and blessings flowing your way every moment of everyday. This takes some quieting of the controlling mind. At one time, this sense of control may have protected us. At some point, though, what once was protection might just turn into a box, a cell, trappings. We must take pause to re-evaluate. Are these ideas of who and how I am, or not - serving my evolution?
Life has shown me that to be vulnerable, receptive, humble and sometimes even passive is the hardest, strongest and most fortifying work there is to do. Life knows what it wants from us. Life wants to push past mere surviving and into vibrant thriving. I've seen those plants rending cracks in the pavement and reaching for the light. They can transform a landscape. They would never stop at just cracking the pavement. And so, we too must push through perceived limitations and expired subconscious patterning so that we can bloom into our fullness and propagate our unique beauty in the world!
It is the signal of comfort that keeps me going forward. Am I safe and at ease, grateful and in abundance? Yes? Well, then, enjoy life but as long as you live, i say to myself... Why not go further, into your truth, into your Yes!, into your LIFE. Into giving back. This is my work now. Let me give to you as I have been so generously given to.
With humble gratitude and respect, i wish you great light on your path…
Blessed Be,
lucid dawn
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