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ON BELONGING

6/19/2025

ON BELONGING -
Apparently, some of us come here to be bridges, or perhaps at some point each of us is a bridge -
Between beings, between communities, or between worlds, each of us might take turns healing divides or opening up new pathways for more people to access new spaces in which to teach, learn, grow, and belong.
I spent most of my last two weeks in the woods with hundreds of strangers, friends old, new, and yet unknown, each being a universe unto themselves. At the two sweet festivals I attended, the crowds were fairly diverse in age, color, sexuality, and gender expression. Where they were not diverse previously, or now, they are becoming so, and the potential grows. One of these festivals i have been attending for 10 years was initially very young, white, cisgendered and heteronormative. This year it was just over half queer-identified folx and it has become increasingly multi-cultural. We strive to create a culture of inclusion and belonging in both of these festivals. It is working. We got astoundingly affirmative feedback from multiple queer folx of color: guests and new people on the teaching team. They all expressed some sense of apprehension upon arrival about what it would be like, whether they would feel seen or accepted. They were relieved to find that they were held and honored in a caring and conscientious environment. As in all cases, there are no absolutes. Many of us have grown up with feelings of not belonging and these feelings do not just go away. Folx new to this country or new to festivals, those recently out of relationships, or who have experienced ruptures or rejections in their personal lives, or maybe all of us? had moments of feeling like we/they didn't belong. Some stories that came up for people, including myself are: i am the only immigrant from my country here, look at me, i dont look like the others here, i am not wanted because of my age, gender, body type, everyone else already knows each other, everyone else is with a partner or a group, everyone else is comfortable with their body or sexuality, everyone else knows how to do this - i don’t, i’m not, i can’t… these are the stories we tell ourselves. These stories in general were not true, and do not have to be for one to feel as if it is true. When these have been our experiences in life, we tend to have alerts on for any sense of these things being true again. I see for myself and many folx that often we are even viewing the whole situation as if this is true, and as the ego mind will have it, it finds things to prove that these stories are true. So we put on cloaks of protection, guards around our hearts, airs of indifference or self-sufficiency as in, “I do not need anything or anyone”, or carry ourselves with the energy of “I do not like myself” or “I am not worthy”. With these energies of protection/ projection we repel what we actually want. Weird, true human stuff. Both of these festivals are designed to foster human connection, heart-opening experiences, and healing on multiple levels of being. There were many breakthroughs for me and for others, and perhaps some people went home feeling sad, with their stories of not belonging confirmed. I see the folx who just decide that they belong and go and make friends with their natural or practiced amiability, cheer, charm, generosity, confidence. It is such a joy to meet these folx, to hear them coming from straight-laced, corporate lives, restrictive religions or extremely conservative cultural conditioning, painful marriages and divorces, and find this world of freely expressed beings, anything goes dress (or undress), play and silliness of all sorts, conscious touch, sensual/sexual training, cuddle piles, etc.. and just be like, “wow! I had no idea this existed, and now i get to live a new life!” That. That is why i continue to teach, perform, lead ceremony at, and generally attend festivals. I believe that these events are a microcosm of the world. For a few days we come together with folx from all walks of life to intimately be with our differences, meet our edges, learn how others experience life, and find ways to expand our sense of who we are and what it is to love. To love all (or at least more) of humanity, the self, earth, and spirit is the medicine that arises from these magickal cauldrons of risk-taking, edge-walking, living with full heart practice. I believe and preach that each being we meet has a gift for us, a key to a part of us that no one else does. Each being can light up a previously unknown part of us by offering us their story, wisdom, experience, inquiry, creativity, care, or humor. Staying curious to the wonders of the universe held in the bodymind before us helps us to unfold the fullness of what we already are. Yoga teaches us that the illusion of separation is the greatest source of suffering. So much in this world teaches us to reject or deny parts of ourselves, to see our neighbors as “other”, to other anyone that does not look or talk like us. We are taught in so many ways that there is not enough for everyone and so we fight each other for resources of all sorts. Yet, we are not separate. We all breathe the same air, drink the same water, are held by the same roots and webs of mycelia, are fed by the same bees and plants, dream and wish among the same stars, celebrate and grieve under the same sun and moon. We all want love, we all are love. We all want to belong. We all do belong. I say some of this and lots more in my book, Dispelling the Binary, Tools to Heal Manufactured Divides which comes out this summer solstice, June 22, 2025. You can find it any place that sells books or join me for the first release event in Oakland this Sunday, June 22 @ Arise Yoga, Lakeshore 1-330p. I (and by extension my angel Jess) will be providing food and drinks, connection games, reflections, readings, and meditations. Together, let us celebrate the fullness of the light and the oneness of our shared humanity and life on this earth. I love you. I want to see you shine. I love to see you shine. It makes life worthwhile. It’s what i am here for. I know from my own experience that we can come back from the smallest, most stuck, lost in the dark places and shine shine shine. Love never dies. Join me in shining up the world if you will. Please.

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DISPELLING the BINARY - Book Release!

3/17/2025

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I WROTE A BOOK! More importantly, I finished, edited (with excellent HELP!), and published a book I still feel PASSIONATE about! If you have ever written a book before, you know what a big deal this is. I have begun to write many books over the years, some of which I may finish someday, but as a creative person, I always have new ideas, and it is quite a challenge to follow through on one idea before getting swept away by the next. I am sure this is where the reminder that creative projects are 10% inspiration and 90% perspiration comes from. It turns out that ideas are easy after all; the work that ensues is the biggest challenge. It is incredible to feel passionate about something after being on repeat and in the nitty-gritty focus for so long. Some parts of me just want to move on to the next thing. I had many moments of wondering if all of the work was worth it. I doubted whether I was the one to share this message, if I was too late, or if I was not academic or professional enough. But, as an artist and visionary must do, I pushed on through... Dispelling the Binary has been birthed into a book and will soon have its coming out party in the world!
What keeps me passionate about this book? I am passionate about the content, the intention, the purpose, and all of the practices in the book, which have supported me in navigating life's challenges and becoming who I am today. Last but not least, my passion remains ignited by how the times we live in magnify how CRUCIAL it is for us to heal the manufactured divides causing suffering on individual, social, and planetary levels of being. I believe it is the illusion of separation that has caused all of the suffering that we are experiencing now. Yes, I know that is a lot to say...ALL?? Yes, all. The idea that we are supposed to mute, deny, or ignore any part of ourselves causes a loss of personal well-being. The idea that we are separate from each other enables such immense human greed and violence upon each other. Our disconnection from Earth, as beings that are intrinsically part of it, robs us of nourishment on all layers of being and allows us to be blind or numbed to the effects of mass production and overconsumption on the health of our planet. Our disconnection from spirit has so many living without morals or inspiration. May our pain move us back into connection.
Dispelling the Binary brings us back into connection on all levels of being so that we naturally thrive, help others thrive, and are blessed to live on a thriving planet. The book contains exercises, information, and contemplations that help us deconstruct the patterns of thought and action that keep us feeling separate. To dispel the binary is to revel in unity individually and collectively.
I am on a mission to serve my highest good and the greatest good for all of life with this little offering of what has helped me heal from feelings of separateness and not belonging. Every thought we entertain and every choice we make can help us wake up to our interconnectedness. A revolution of thought and action is needed now. Can you imagine the more just and beautiful world you want to live in? Please do.
JOIN ME in dreaming the new world into being and making it so one thought, one choice, one connection at a time.

I am seeking reviews, pre-orders, and places to do book release events with connection games and related workshops. Please reach out if you would like me to come to yoU! Join my newsletter for updates on events and the official book launch, which will likely happen with Summer Solstice on 6/21/25!

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Bees, Nectar, Tantra

7/27/2024

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Bees, Nectar, Tantra What do bees have to do with Tantra? I have been a beekeeper for many years, on and off, as bees and I both tend to move a lot these days. From flower to flower, home to home, hive to hive, we move.
The bees have aided me in deepening into the art of mindful movement.
Moving around bees requires mindfulness, moving slowly, listening intently to the tone of their vibration. One sudden movement, one moment of inattention, and the hum of contentment can quickly turn into a warning buzz of agitation.

This need for presence around the hives mirrors the core teachings of tantra. Both call us to be fully in the moment, our senses alert and heightened. As I practice yoga asana next to my hives (without a protective suit), their tone tells me everything I need to know – are they at ease with my presence, or is it time for me to respectfully retreat? I slow, I breathe, I listen, I know.
This attunement to vibration is at the heart of tantric philosophy. In fact, tantra was originally called mantra-marga, or the path of mantra. Long before modern science confirmed that everything is made of vibrating energy, the ancient tantrikas understood this profound truth. Tantras were then the books that held the truth, the teachings, all of which held in one way or another that there is a continuum of vibration, a weaving or unfolding/ blossoming of one thing into the next without separation.
Our very beings are seen as lotuses, with each chakra, or energy center, a flower that opens and closes in response to our energy, habits, and environment. Using this lovely metaphor, the bees are alluded to as the vibrations that move life from one lotus to the next.
These vibrations may be our movements, our heartbeat, our thoughts, and most especially the words that we use and the tone/ intention/ attitude that our words vibrate with. Our tone, attitude, and usually the worldview that causes those, will ultimately be the energy that we unconsciously vibrate with, thereby affecting our experience of life and what we draw to us.
Therefore, it is taught that when we tend to our vibrations through mantra, movement, breath, and meditation, with intention and praise of the divine in all things as our foundation (worldview), we have the opportunity to expand our experience of embodied life into one of ecstatic, blissful, clear knowing. We remember ourselves as peaceful, loving awareness, embodied and not.
My journey into tantra felt like coming home. For the first time, I encountered spiritual teachings that didn't require mental editing or selective acceptance. It all resonated as common sense, as if I was remembering truths I'd always known deep down. Tantra doesn't ask us to transcend our humanity or judge others. Instead, we are invited to remember ourselves as divine life force energy, choosing to have this human experience in order to know itself more fully. Being a Tantrika reveals the nectar in all aspects of life.

Intimacy with the teacher of life is the Tantrikas practice. All of it, even the hard stuff. We humans are largely inclined to think that bad is bad and that's it - avoid it, ignore it, numb it out, beat it down. Yet, tantra does not see anything as inherently bad. Our greatest wisdom often emerges from our deepest losses, our most painful changes, our perceived failures. Grief becomes our teacher about love and impermanence. Failure illuminates the path to success. When I feel despondent, I turn to the bees and to nature, observing how life turns into life, how dissolution gives way to growth. Nothing truly disappears; it only changes form.

Living as a tantrika means embracing the ecstatic beauty of awe and wonder, even as we navigate the minefields in our environments and minds. It means being keenly aware of what life is asking of us in each moment, even amidst emotional or physical turbulence. This state of being isn't about escaping into bliss but about fully engaging with life in all its messy, glorious complexity.
Sometimes, I find myself longing to stay in those moments of ecstasy, of clear knowing, of blissful connection. But like a bee that must return from the flower to the hive, we're called to move between transcendence and engagement. We're here to learn, to teach, to hold and help, and sometimes to let go and not know. Mystery is part of this experience, inviting us to cultivate faith, trust, and flow.
As I live in dedication to learning and practice, blossoming the lotus of my being into its fullness, I find my center of unconditional loving awareness expanding, becoming more accessible and enduring even through the most challenging experiences of life. The worldview and practices of tantra make it joyful to dance with mystery. And just as a bee immerses itself in the heart of a lotus to find the sweetest nectar, we too can dive deep into the heart of our experiences, discovering the profound wisdom and connection that await us there.
So the next time you see a bee flitting from flower to flower, remember: in its humble, purposeful movements lie many a profound teaching. Like the bee, we are invited to move through life with intention and awareness, finding the sacred nectar in every moment, and sharing the sweetness we discover with the world around us.
Join me if you will, to immerse in the nectarian teachings and practices of Non-Dual Tantrik Saivism, rooted in the Kashmiri Valley, India, blossoming in the hearts and minds of resonant community…

We will immerse at Green Yogi, Telegraph in Berkeley on Thursday evenings for 8 weeks starting September 19, 2024.

My name is lucid dawn, my teachers are Hareesh Wallis, (also Christopher Tompkins, Sally Kempton & others), his teacher is Gurumayi, her teacher was Swami Muktananda. These teachers have handed down the wisdom of the Tantrik masters Kshemaraja and his teacher, Abhinivagupta (950 – 1016 CE) who penned some of the most beautiful Tantrik texts alive which continue to inspire this living tradition. It shows up uniquely through me with my particular lens of yoga therapist, peer counselor, thespian, poet, artist, krtyka/witch, and social justice activist.

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Holding the Baby of My Self - a healing journey through grief

5/8/2023

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Magick is alive in the push through discomfort, in the face -to- face with our own truth, in the holding of space for others’ truths, even when we do not understand them. Together we courageously heal ourselves and the web of life that connects us…

I am here at the ocean today to assist a grief ritual in the tradition of Sobonfu Some as she handed it down to us from her tribe, the Dagara peoples of Burkina Faso in West Africa. It has evolved, as magickal work will, alive in this time, with some elements of Martin Prechtel’s teachings on grief woven in. The people here in the West need grief work, as Sobonfu saw when she first visited America. This led to her life’s work of bringing the rituals here and teaching all that she could before her passing in 2017.

I am so grateful for her and the dear communities who carry on this work. We all need this kind of opportunity and support for cleansing in this go go go culture. Yes, that is my assumption - and it proves to be true, every ritual.
I have participated in and helped to facilitate grief rituals many times now. I have lost count. Having been through huge life changes, including a lot of loss and separation throughout the years of pandemic, I have been grieving. I really thought that I am not in need of this particular ritual this weekend. Grief has just been flowing now, I have been holding nothing back. I am open to all of my feelings moving. They have been moving, I am well.

Well, I was wrong. I live in this world. This world is at war, with itself, with its past, too many ‘sides’ with each other, and Russia’s war on Ukraine just kicked off last week.

Reluctance is present as I prepare for the long day. We arrive at 9am and go until sunset. I am on a heavy flow day of my moon cycle and I am setting up the water altar. I need to carry a lot of things down the tricky, half mile plus, trail to the beach after driving 1.5 hours to arrive on time. Early rising and a full day of work on a Saturday after a busy work week daunts me this morning. It is work I am not paid for but that I believe to be vital to human wellness, and that is what I live for. So, I do the work. I do it because I have people coming and know others who need this work and I want it to keep going. Therefore, I am committed to being part of making it happen.

It is cold and beautiful at the beach. She has been my soother of grief before I knew of these rituals. I come to her to cleanse and feel myself small in the expanse of the roaring, big picture of life with the face of the ocean. It is healing medicine for me, she puts me in my place. Here, I am small and my troubles are insignificant.

Today I come to support others in their grief, I think. It is true. I set up. I call in the energies of water, welcome the fluidity of being, the sacredness of our tears, we honor and give thanks for the blessings of the waters of the earth, and the remembrance of our fluid nature. I sit with others and listen to their stories of pain, grief, loss, of confusion around identity, belonging, and longing for love and healing for self and the world. Overflowing compassion moves me to feeling unconditional love for these courageous humans.
I share about the recent loss of my friend, a kind and gentle community member who took his own life a couple of weeks ago. My heart aches so desperately for people when they do not see any other way out of their pain but to take their own life. My heart mourns for those left behind to feel so much pain, grief, and guilt, wondering if there was something they could have done to help. I have struggled with suicidal thoughts and failed many vain attempts since I was 10 years old. It is deeply personal to me, to process this. It fuels a burning desire to help us move beyond this kind of giving up when there is still the possibility of a rich and joyful life yet to be lived. I live a rich and joyful life. I would have missed so much if I had given up.

The village is singing. We dive into the depths of the ritual after a half day of connection and preparation in many ways. People begin to come to the altar to express their grief, to cry, to open themselves to the ocean, to bury their sobbing faces in the sand, to angrily pound the earth in their frustration with the ails of humanity. I feel everyone so intensely, their sorrow, their confusion, the expressions of rage, shame, and not feeling loved, like they don't belong, are cared for, or accepted, and on, and on… I know their stories, and I don't, but I know others like them and I feel for them, for my beloveds, for those here, near, far, embodied and not…

I am flowing today… I am water… My heart is pulled by the expressions of grief around me. I soon find myself calling for someone to take my place in holding space and back me up as I fall to the earth in grief and weep. We stand in support of each other here. No one is alone here.

At first I weep for the people here- the sweet, courageous humans who dare to let their aches flow out. I cry for my loved ones whom I wish were here. I cry for the pain of so many beings who were treated badly, harmed, made to feel like something was wrong with them, taught that they were damaged or not worthy of love, care, and celebration. I am so angry at our world for all of the “supposed to be’s” that make people doubt and hate themselves and each other. I am so devastated that people, in this day and age, with such history to look at, would think that war is an option, that it is ok to bomb people and the earth, to indiscriminately take innocent lives and cause mass ruin. I find myself suddenly sick with the grief of so many people feeling so lost and angry and hopeless and hateful of one another. The grief begins to consume me. Tears and screams rage through me. I begin to sob uncontrollably, for those around me, for all of my loved ones near and far, for the earth, for humanity…

And then, sorrow for myself opens. I have lost love and life as I knew it with the devastating changes that this pandemic has heralded. I long to be loved and held in a way that I am not loved. My love is sad and far away. My Self has been working hard to be enough for myself, but still I crave… I cry out my heart's longing for my love to be able to meet me, to see me, to celebrate me and the love that I have for them. I ache, I tremble, I feel myself break open. I let the emotions, sounds, ocean waves, grains of sand, fluids from my face, dissolve the boundaries of “me”, along with the rational mind… Subconscious, visceral memories arise…

I find myself, a baby in my crib, wailing inconsolably, desperately needing to know that I am not alone, that someone cares. I need to be picked up, held, loved, fed… I feel so alone in the world, helpless and vulnerable. I feel that baby that I once was, with abused and abusive teenage parents with drug dependencies, ignoring me, leaving me to scream and cry… I find this frightened baby alive inside of myself, still. This early rejection and neglect shows up now when I feel ignored or neglected. I think, ‘I am not loved and i don't matter’. This is not my rational thinking brain, this is my subconscious, my wounded child, believing that I am still in mortal danger, helpless, hopeless, alone… It shows up beneath the surface of my conscious knowing, and causes me to shake and ache when I sense myself without care or the connection that I need. I have put myself into relationships that trigger this feeling for as long as I can remember. In the past, I have left them before they could leave me. I practiced with each departure, unconsciously owning my power of autonomy once I had it, as a young adult. Instead of feeling helpless, fought, I ran. I didn’t actually pick myself up, I just rebelled. I ran away from home. I ran from relationships where I didn't feel loved for who I was. In retrospect I think that's ok… but there is more to do to heal this kind of preverbal trauma. Ultimately, there are better ways to heal than choosing and blaming people whose wounds meet mine. I unexpectedly found one today.

Now, in this flash of seeing/ feeling baby me so despondent in my crib, with no one responding to my needs, I can see how that has set me up to feel this way when my needs are not met in relationships, to this very day and age. I see how I have subconsciously continued to try to heal that early experience by choosing people who cannot be there for me when I need/ want them to.
With this realization, I suddenly feel myself, sober and present in the moment again. I sit up abruptly, and gaze with eyes between worlds, out to the ocean. The tears abide, a state of near shock arises with this awakening. I am in a trance or communion with the ocean of life. I feel within me/her, great waves of change. The tides are turning. I am able to go to the roots of my issues on my own now and come back out. I used to think that I would go crazy and not come back if I let myself feel all of the things. But my energy body has grown strong over these years of working with being with what is. I have made choices to heal and grow even when it was the apparently harder thing to do and I did not want to, due to fear of pain, rejection, self-hatred, worthlessness… all that and then some...

I feel for those who have tried to love me even as they saw and ‘had to’ care for aspects of my apparently broken self. I feel for my beloveds who have tried to love me while in process with their own experiences of perceived, broken selves. We all have work to do. We live... The work is never over while we live and continue to love… Therefore also, I see and feel the rewards of loving. I am rich with gratitude for the beauty of life. I live in praise of the beauty of all that we grieve. I see how it makes us rich, our lives full with wonder and awe. We are small. We are everything,.. We are one great magnificent thing experiencing all that it is to be the many things. I am here for this. I am alive for this. I love expansively.

I let these reflections settle in for a bit. The song of the village calls me back. It seems as though, for the moment, I have gotten what I came for. I thank her, and move my body back to the village.

The ritual is long, deep, and wide. I come back to holding space with the hearts of others. I have picked myself up today. I have heard the cries of baby Dawn and picked her up and held her while we, somewhat shocked, looked at the ocean together and felt ourselves grown up... I have to admit, I was not especially kind or gentle in that moment of realization. I just did what needed to be done, like a sleep deprived caretaker at the end of a long shift. I sat in stunned silence, feeling whole, empty, overwhelmed, and saved by myself, as if from destruction. So, we just sat for a moment to integrate, and I returned to my service work.

On my drive home, I have the overwhelming feeling of neeeeding to be held, cuddled, rocked, squished, comforted. I want snuggles. I want love from outside of myself. I try to talk myself out of it, thinking a shower will do me good, and pillows all around me, like I do these days. I rack my mind for who I can reach out to for ‘safe’, no strings attached, available cuddles. I reach out to my love, they are alone and sad. They do not want to talk or cuddle. I am crestfallen but did not have my hopes too high, so i am alright. I reach out to a friend who was at the ritual and ask them for future cuddles. They happily say yes. This is somewhat soothing. I took a risk and asked for what I needed. Future cuddles count. I go home. I shower, I snuggle my pillows. I am sad, i am emptied out, i am lonely, i am rich with life and full with gratitude. This container of being that I am holds multitudes. The day was beautiful. The end of the ritual always has so much joy. Today was no exception. Everyone there is part of a village now. We are a community of spirit, we have moved energy together, we have changed worlds with healing presence… We are connected. It does fill one's heart so very much with love to empty out the grief, I think especially in community. I sigh, wistful yet content, and drift to sleep.

Days later I get snuggles, but there is no time to share stories or connect beyond the moment. I am grateful, and I still feel the lack of connection that I desire. I look forward to the weekend when life will allow us to drop in more deeply together. I am patient and spacious these days. As much as i crave love and affection all week, I can wait... My love lives with someone else and they are going through a lot. I have learned to be self reliant since losing my long term partnership and ushering my grown child into adulthood.

I am my own love and affection most of the time. I thought that I was doing good at being so.
But then, on Friday morning, when I was looking forward to landing in the arms of love that night, i get a call. The beloved explains to me that they need to give this night to someone else.
I “understand”.

And,..

Suddenly, I feel that trigger response. I realize how upset my body is about this situation that my mind wants to say is not a big deal. I shake. My heart feels like it has a vice on it, it aches, my breath is shorter, my jaw is tight. I feel betrayed, again. Neglected, again. Not considered or prioritized, again. More stories; You didn't want to hold me last week when i needed it, you don't want to hold me tonight when i need it, you haven't wanted to, or been able to hold me through so much when i have needed it, although you have professed since the beginning the desire to hold and support me through all of the big things that i do in life - your ‘wanting to catch’ me... i need that.. I want that. Yet, you are not here. Again. Again, I realize, I am that baby alone in the bed. Neglected, abandoned, not cared for, left alone to cry in need and pain without anyone to hold them. I have chosen this situation.

For an entire day I shake and ache. I cannot make this pain go away. I question why I stay in this thing that hurts me so bad. Why do I stay with this person that has no capacity or desire to be present with me and fulfill my needs?

I sit with the possibility that I am perpetuating the pain, re-enacting my early life trauma by staying in this situation. I feel the urgent need to get out. I recognize this pattern of - every time something bad happens I think, ‘I need to get out’. When is it actually true? When am I running away from healing, and when am I honoring myself and stopping the insanity of perpetuating my early childhood wounds?

This morning I awaken slowly. I feel my soft, tender, fleshy body under my own hands. I think of my friend's baby for some reason. A full body, soothing sigh arises at the visceral memory of what a precious thing it is to hold an infant. Suddenly, here I am - holding myself. I am holding baby Dawn (my birth name). I am holding her gently, sweetly, with so much presence and loving compassion. I am holding her/ myself the way that I needed to be held from that crib, the way that I needed to be held after the grief ritual, the way that I wanted to be held every time I felt like my feelings or needs were not considered. And, the circle is complete. I hold my baby self. I hold my adult self. We receive each other as one in love and compassion.
I wonder if i could have done this on the beach, if i made myself go “back to work!”, back into action, too soon. It is definitely something I was taught to do. Keep pushing forward. This kind of survival mentality has definitely gotten me up off of floors of depression before, but i gleen also, how it has had me avoid this tenderness with myself. It makes sense that I wouldn't have given myself space for compassion, as I wasn't taught to. Now, I know, I slow… I give space for healing. Turns out, I am blessed to have this time alone today. Thank you, beloved.

I write now, and integrate ever deepening layers of healing. I am all one.. I am whole.. I am alone, and I am loved. I am sure that some time in life I may feel abandoned or neglected again. I can look at the circumstances, what my choices have been to get there, to stay there. I can see what I have chosen. I can see how consciousness works, to heal itself from trauma, to finish moving energy in whatever ways it didn't get to move with the original occurrence of wounding. I can choose to take different actions now, moving forward in my adult body - to give myself what I need, to reach out for support, to make whatever change in life needs to be made to heal the heart of the experience, to find myself whole, loved, held, supported. I am. I am whole, loved, held, supported - by myself, by the universe, by beloveds, and community of spirit.

I am grateful to remember and know this, no matter how many times I have to re-member again.
Learning and healing require vigilance and constancy. The work is worth it. The joy of self knowing and feeling at one with spirit is beyond words.

May all beings experience the blessings of self-reliance, community, peace, and compassion on their paths of growth and healing…

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On Ancestry & Belonging

10/6/2021

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Today 10/7/21 Today 10/7/21

Today i am struck with my not belonging Today i remember my belonging
Again Again
I am not Indigenous or White, i am both I am a child of this earth,
White is not real - i am Irish, Scottish, Spanish I am a child of the universe
French Canadian I live here in my heart
I am MiqMaq, Iroquois, Cherokee, Blackfeet Upon this soil, these rocks, this dirt
I am the oppressor and the oppressed I am spirit finding my way in embodiment
My grandparents were silenced, shamed I am loud and singing, breaking chains
I have never belonged -poor, ugly, too smart I have always belonged - fed, growing,
Awkward, shy, loud, mean, reserved, rebellious Learning, trying, failing, finding myself
I might never know my place, i may not have My belonging is with birds and trees,
A heritage to reclaim Gaining wisdom by watching & listening
I have been told it is not the one of my heart Singing the songs and cycles of nature
Although i have dreamt their cries All the creatures are my ancestors
And suffer their silencing Here, now, teaching me
Because such is not the one of my skin Who i am is beyond my skin
I have been shown it is not whom i love Whom i love is my spirit twin,
As i was born and will die alone again Found when felt, in their many forms
None of this is mine, all of it is ours None of this is mine, all of it is ours
I mourn the loss and the devastation I sense us waking up together
i grieve with the pain of the last white rhino celebrating the many ways
No one to love or to relate to and infinite moments of overflowing love

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the Crushing Weight of Mountains

3/2/2021

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the Crushing Weight of Mountains 3/2/21

I am so grateful not to be pressed by the crushing weight of mountains today
Mountains that I cannot climb, that I cannot get out from under
I am relieved to not be crushed by the weight of “me” today.
In this moment I am free from the dismal density of self-doubting reality
Today the burden of self-hood does not press so painfully upon me
As it once did, as it so often has, as it in passing, still sometimes does…
Now I know this cruel trick of fate, - that trickster - trying to make me believe
That I am make-believe, trying to deceive me with the belief that I am not enough
That I am not worthy, that I am broken, beyond repair, a gaping wound that will never heal...
In this world of make-believe, I am what I believe.
I believe what I am taught
Until I un-school myself. & so I have, beneath the crushing weight of mountains
The smallest most meaningless molecules of me have struggled to breathe and thought
Why bother
Then, something flea size fly size butterfly size mouse size rat size... something inside outside
Wide as the swaths of stars, deep as the dark depths of earth beyond my comprehension
Beyond words…
- those complicated harbingers of belief-
Something stirred, still stirs, …stillness stirring… incomprehensibly
A glimmering, the residue of stars, sparkles of my truth, divine truth, finds itself dancing
Stillness is part of dancing, It sets the whirl to blaze
I dye in this empty stillness… I find nothing nothing nothing
Which soon, though slowly, exposes itself as everything, everything, everything...all the colors
retch and yawl, creep and crawl, stretch out from their glimmering, yearning, turning to roar fires of desire
To live. Fully.
To find truth, curiosity, wonder, adventure, expression, relation, compassion, celebration...
What is it to be alive in this body? why is it one would want to die before life is done with this body?
What part of me wants to dye?, what expired aspect is sacrificing itself for change, for growth
Of new life
I am a force of nature
You are a force of nature
We are a force of nature
Nature shows us how to do this
We have so much life to live
So much love to give
Love is breathing us
The love of the universe is dancing through us
Its creation
We are the universe celebrating its creation
Doubting its creation
Like all artists creating, doubt and questioning are parts of the process
that bring forth the form of the whole
Aren’t they?
Like the way that expressing grief breeds joy and feeling the fullness of love and joy gives way to grief...
Nothing permanent, nothing lasting…
Everything gives itself to what’s next
This is healing, this is living, all the humble and resistant receiving
All the generous overflow and also, the sometimes fearful clutching of the giving
All of it, all of it, all of it, parts of the song to which we are dancing

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Re-birthday Re-memberings

2/2/2021

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INTRODUCTION - Trigger Warning - Real-Life Violence February 2, 2021
On February 2nd, 1989 @ 2am I turned myself in to the police station. I was 85 lbs, 5’9“, and had blood poisoning from an injury in my hand which ran a flaming red line almost to my heart. I was 16.5 years old. I had been wanting to die since I was 10. i had been a runaway since i was 14.
In the middle of that freezing winter night in Haverhill, MA after visiting a last couple of desperate attempts at a place to be safe and continue dwelling in my miserable bottomless pit - I surrendered to that I just. couldn’t. anymore…
I hadn’t eaten for days, I had tried to sleep and woken up to the guy who supplied the drug house that I had been dealing from & smoking cocaine in nearly non-stop for months, trying to push himself up into me. I screamed & thrashed like a wild cat, broke from his grip, grabbed a few of my pathetic, worthless belongings and ran from him as he then tried to burn my face with a cigarette, but I wouldn’t stop screaming. He let me go. I ran away. It had been a big day already. It was the first time I had tried to sleep for what felt like ages. I was scared of sleeping. It wasn’t the first time that I had woken up this way. He wasn’t the first man who had violated me in my sleep.
I tried to sleep after I cried. I hadn’t cried for years, after deciding to only be mad rather than sad about the things that people do to children- had done to me. I cried because I heard “Let It Be”, by the Beatles and felt the presence of the divine as feminine for the first time. I felt some faint glimmer of something like hope.. or love.. something broke through the base pipe shell of my being. I was only ashes inside, or so it felt before that moment…
But no, a last ember was sparked, something still lived, something still wanted to live.. I guess it was why I was still alive after wanting and trying to kill myself for so long, in so many ways. I had been in great danger out there and so many horrid things had happened. I was trying to forget who I was. Yet, here I was -violence, traumas, losses and fears later.. awakening… Wanting to live?
None of my family or foster parents would come and get me from the police station. No one wanted me. I had burned all of my bridges. Home was a terrible place for me then anyways, it was why I was out there, and my foster homes were not any better. Stories for days, there too…
I stayed in a cold cell of the police station overnight, sans belt, shoes, and socks - huddled in a ball in the corner of the metal platform in the otherwise bare concrete room.
In the morning my social worker came and got me and brought me to a lockdown juvie rehab.
Those kids were scared as hell to see someone their age looking as deathly as I did. The counselors there used me as a scare tactic. I felt it. They were smugly displaying me and telling a bit of my story to prove their stories of the dangers of drugs. That was my introduction to the place. Then I went to bed for days as I was so deathly ill and hadn’t eaten or slept for so long. I slept deep except for needle pricks in my arms from the nurses and I dreamed intensely.
The dream that I remember the most is sleeping next to a dead girl who looked just like me. I reached out and scratched her face, she bled but didn’t stir.. This is when I knew that she was dead. We were sleeping on trash bags full of old clothes. Soda bottles, like the ones that we used to make base pipes with began to fall from the ceiling of this dark and dank cellar that we were in. They hurt, they scared me, I felt like I was being pummeled. I began to crawl over the bursting and slippery trash bags full of clothes towards a faint light that I saw at one far end of the basement. I reached a crooked and splintery stairway, with light at the top. I wasn’t sure that I could make it, but I knew that I had to try. I crawled up that crooked staircase, struggling to get out of that basement and into the light.. I awoke as I was crawling, grabbing, grasping the next step with my fingers…
They brought me to my first meeting at the kids rehab the morning after this dream. It was a public meeting where grown-ups came too, and it was 1989 so the adults were smoking indoors. That was hard. I didn’t think about much the whole meeting, didn’t hear much but the screaming inside for cigarettes. I came back to the present as people were getting up and moving their chairs. Everyone gathered into a circle, I awkwardly followed the physical cues of people inviting me to move my chair and create a circle with them. People reached out to take my hands. This was all very strange. I wondered where I was and what the hell was going on…
I let my hands be held and stepped back to make space in this wide circle of humans holding each other — grown-ups holding hands in a circle!? I had never seen or experienced such a thing.
I felt a baffling intrigue. People spoke words of thanks and love and congratulations. People here cared about each other in a way that I had never seen. Someone recited what I came to learn as the Serenity Prayer, someone else said the Lord's Prayer. I was brought up catholic so I guessed then that this made sense (now it doesn’t).
Nonetheless, my awe of perceivably grown humans holding each other in care and intention to get well held me rapt. Suddenly I saw a vision of different colored lights coming from each being, connecting each being to one another and from the circle up to the sky in a teepee/ prism shape. A great rainbow teepee prism appeared and I felt like I had been struck by lightning. I had a flash memory of how my great great native grandmother was struck by lightning. I thought I might fall down.. Something had just quick rearranged all of the furniture inside of me. I have come to feel like this was a great Shakthi-pat from the divine itself. I was slapped awake- into realizing why I was still alive.. I was alive for this - people holding and helping each other, people reclaiming life after great suffering and loss, after being hopelessly lost in the great mystery. We were a rainbow people returning and it is my job to do the work to heal and learn from my experiences, to awaken and to help and hold others in circles of healing and connection.
Ever since then, this has been my inner & outer work. I spent some years swept up in the glamour of fashion, club kid life, and Hollywood. Sometimes that seems like it was a distraction from my ‘purpose’, but overall I can see that this was always my nature - to be a storyteller, to try on many faces and names and ways of being, to wear many costumes and to investigate the fullness of being in this skin suit. I want to know all that I am and all that I can be. I want to know all that it is to be human. I want to live life to its fullest and celebrate the fullness of life. I want to help others to do the same.. Investigating these aspects of life began to give me back my voice. I had been silenced for so long - as my mother and her mother & father and their parents, as many generations of wounded and indigenous people had been…
I have lived many lifetimes in this life. I have lived with and as many different kinds of people.
I am a multi-dimensional being, I always have been mercurial. And, I see and have experienced the pain of being “other”, of trying to fit in, to be like I was “supposed to be” - as a female, as a “white” person, as a professional, as a mother, etc.. etc.. I have never fit in to the stereotype or related to any of these roles.
I think that the silencing and the “supposed to be’s” are continuing to make for very sick cultures. I am trying to duspel he supposed to be's and encourage authenticity and full expression of being. We are vibratory beeings. We cannot keep the vibrations of our experiences locked within us without becoming sick from the stagnancy. Energy must be in motion to perpetuate itself. Emotions must be expressed. I was born with a big mouth and a strong voice. I was born with a huge compassionate heart and a passionate desire to celebrate life. These things being beat down in me caused much sickness. The sicknesses, pain and suffering taught me resilience and HOW BADLY I want and need to express, serve, and help anyone else who has ever felt stuck or silenced like I was, like my lineages have been. It is time for all of the people to rise up and be seen and heard. These archaic systems of oppression are crumbling and we all have a part in the dismantling and rebuilding that is happening... that must happen now.
My indigenous lineages were taught to be ashamed of who they were and to deny it, my Irish lineages too - so much shame, alcoholism, and abuse. Silence and poverty is my inheritance. So is, from somewhere, this big voice, this courageous heart, this burning rebellious spirit of fire. I am here to renew again and again for myself and my lineages in both directions. For the whole of my human family I claim my power to sing, to speak my truth, to be a voice for the voiceless. My mother was silenced after being raped, she silenced me after being molested, I left home only to get myself raped again and again until I was nearly dead. I have been burned out on a pyre and returned a great flame of love and passion for life. I will not be silenced. I pray that I might be a vessel for the divine to help others reclaim their bodies, their minds, their voices from the panging pains of misogyny, white male dominance and colonialism over our lands, thoughts, and actions. I am supported at this time, as we all are, by great movements of so many activists and healers. I am humbled at this time by awakening to the unjust privilege that I have had in being pale-skinned. I am grateful for having the public services that helped me to get on the path to getting well. Thank you to the unappreciated social worker, the mandative reporting counselor, the dreaded rehab, all the teachers and healers who have given life to my life.
I am here and alive to give back.
I have not and will not stop learning. I am here to listen, to serve, to give my life energy to the cause of dispelling what separates us and to find what connects us, to encourage and give permission to sing, dance and PLAY with all that consciousness wants to express through us. May it be for the greatest good for all beings!
I look forward to the day when we can gather again in physical circles of healing and celebration. For now, I hold movement & breath classes online and spend time writing my stories in hopes that they will help others with the inspiration and the permission that may’ve been robbed from them at some point too.
Each breath is a blessing from divine, great mystery, source, creator. Each breath is the gift that says, YES TO YOU! Yes, to your life, yes to spirit living through you and expressing itself uniquely within this human family of spirit. I am honored to breathe with you, I am grateful to be able to share breath with you, the same great breath that we share with all the trees and all of the breathing beings from all time and space…
And, thank you for the breath that you protect in these uncertain times of pandemic. We learn from and in this spaciousness. We will come to gather again with more joy and honoring than ever about how truly blessed we are to share breath.
Aloha.

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FORCE OF NATURE - Silence

11/23/2020

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I am beginning a series, a training and a book with this theme - FORCE OF NATURE. This is the first shared writing from upcoming said things. I welcome your stories of teachings and healings from nature as well!

Here is my writing from a trip i took in September. The memory of it inspires me everytime! Enjoy!

We are backpacking, carrying all that we will need for 5 days, along the trail from Usal, named for ‘United States of America Lumber’ company, as they were trying to clear cut this area for decades to continue highway 1 along the coast, to Anderson creek, where there is a secluded little black sand beach. Thank goodness the land, again and again, held out and said, ”no”  to those who would blow up these rocky outcrops and clearcut these thickly wooded inserts of forest to lay down pavement.  The unadulterated natural beauty here, only accessible by foot, is worth the work to visit.

It is a very rugged up and down trail we are on.  At some points it disappears into trees, bushes, and poison oak.  We even encounter a landslide where rope has since been tied by caring volunteer tenders of this obscure trail, between two fallen trees still clutching the sideways earth with stubborn roots.   I work to get purchase with my sneakered feet into the loose, sandy, gravely hillside.  I am hanging onto the rope for dear life as my beloved Jess works to give tension to the other end and make it easier for me.   I am still holding on to the rope as I hear a scrambling of rocks and a shuddering of the bushes high above.  I  look back to see where I just nervously crossed.  From way up the mountain, rocks as big as my head come bounding down.  I see a cavalcade of potentially lethal strikes to my fragile human form.  I see where I could have been pummeled and thrown down the steep slope by this movement of the earth which did not seem to be propelled by my actions.  I guess that we were warned by the aesthetics of the place, but I had truly not realized until this moment how actually at risk my life is here.  I had been afraid of sliding down the hill, but honestly had not considered that the hill might yet be falling down on me!

We are far above the sea in many spots, on arid hillsides with wide views of the Pacific Ocean, wider views than my little mind knew were possible.  At other turns in the trail we descend through ferngully-like, lush landscapes and dive through underbrush down to trickling streams making their way to the ocean.  The rises and falls here are dramatic. I am grateful for my daily yoga practice that  keeps my body in tune for this kind of push - the many pushes really, that we are having to make to navigate this landscape with heavy packs on our back.   Returning upwards from one of these low lying ravines, breathing heavily, scrambling up the sketchy little trail, the path ahead looks to be evening out which is a relief to my burning thighs and the heart beat pounding in my ears.  My breath is ragged and my head full of commentary that I am too breathless to speak as we reach the high point of the trail here.  We are back out in the bright hot sun now, with one last burst up the hill before a reprieve.

  Ahead of us is the welcoming density of a shady forest.  As we approach though, it actually feels foreboding, like the forbidden woods in a fairy tale that you know you shouldn’t enter because this is where bad things happen, where the evil witch lives, or some such thing… The branches of the trees are old and scrambled all together, there is a bit of an archway over the path but it is a scraggly, ominous reaching of creepy dark fingers of ancient, failing, falling limbs that both beckon and threaten overhead.  I make jokes about the deep dark forest of the mind, horror movies and such… We are casually chatting and dancing with our imaginations now that we have more breath.  The path turns to the right, back towards the ocean, it’s scent comes in wisps upon the air, though it cannot be seen as now we are in the thick of trees.  The earth to the right of us on this part of the path begins to drop away down into a deep dark gulch.

Suddenly, we are hushed.  My love pauses me, and I am caught mid-sentence as we stand on the edge of this dark chasm of redwoods, moss, ferns, and ..absolute.. silence….

The silence has stunned us into silence.  We cannot even comment about it.  The feeling arising in me is spiritual, it is emotional, it is full body awe and wonder.  I cannot remember ..ever… feeling.. so .. much.. silence…have we shushed the birds?
Oh, far away.. one. little. sweet tweet,.. birds do live here in this deep, damp, musty and majestic redwood silence.

Silence.  Wow.

There are no power lines overhead, no airplanes, the sky is barely peeking through the dense overstory.  There are no far away leaf blowers, there is no incessant beeping, barking, no whir of generators, motors, voices…nothing.

Stillness overwhelms me.  We stand, planted in reverence to this massive, passive, powerful
force of nature.

Creepingly, I  feel sick with the sickness that we live in back home, the constant noise of construction, destruction, vehicles, beeping,  humming of power transformers, buzzing of modems, the noise of everyones phones and conversations, alarms, sirens, signals, radio waves, EMF’s, and noisy white noise machines to drown out the noise of everyones noise living so close to each other, trying to find privacy and feigned silence in the city of Oakland.  We are plagued by noise from all points around us and all points within us.  We are on constant alert.  No wonder meditation is so especially difficult for the city dweller.  We have forgotten what silence and stillness actually feel like… Have I ever actually known?
I cannot remember feeling this much profound silence and stillness in my whole life.  I have momentarily sensed it in meditation, tasted in in part, in relatively quite places, between the scramble and flow of thoughts and “shoulds”… but this… this, in an instant is the spacious blissful state sought by those who sit.

I let this expansive, beautiful dark silence drop deep into my being.  I sense the softness of my body, softening, held gently in this resplendent redwood womb.  I surrender to the open wonder of my heart. Nothing in me is gripping.  I melt into the quiet, sublime radiance of the natural world.
I am.
I just am…
This just is.
This is how I am meant to be.  In harmony with great mother, this blessing of a planet…
I feel so nourished, so complete.
I am at ease.

I will take this with me for life…

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2020 VISION - Seeing the Hidden

5/18/2020

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I went cross-eyed at age 2. I know why. There are things in this world I chose not to see and things in other worlds that were calling me. You can only get knocked in the head with anger so many times and still want to look in that persons face. There is a look in the eyes of some that accuses anyone who dares to look, of being the reason for their rage.  I barely remember these younger years but for fear and discomfort. Sorry mom, this is the way the brain works. I did not look into my fathers' eyes. I was scared to. Both of my parents were abusive, both of them had also been hurt and abused as children. Same thing, later, with my stepdad. A gaze that incited only fear.

   I did not much look into the eyes of my friends and lovers later in life as I was afraid they would see that I was cross eyed. I was also afraid that they would see that I was wounded, that I was not as confident as my guise proposed.

No one ever called me on it until my first Burning Man, 1998. Stardust was her name. I had only been in California a few years from the East coast. I had been living & working in LA, as an actress, until uncannily enough, a door hit me in the eyebrow via the force of a stalker ex-boyfriend trying to break in. When that blood ran into my eye, I knew it was time to move on.

First move, Burning Man - to the initiation of eye gazing and a whole new chapter of love in my life. I felt free and determined to find myself anew after a 3.5 year tumultuous relationship.

Stardust asked me, "how come you never look me in the eye?" I don't remember what I said, I just remember being stunned. I don't think I actually realized at that point that it was something I avoided. It was a long held, built-in survival mechanism. No one had ever called me on it. So, I had one of my very first eye gazing moments; vulnerable, nervous, awkward, open. I do remember feeling grateful to have a friend who would so boldly and kindly call me out and welcome me in. On the morning after the burn, as the sun was rising behind the new found love of my life, I lay on the open playa amidst musical friends on a blow up mattress and courageously gazed into his sky filled eyes.

I moved to SF, a hotbed of spirituality and creativity. (This was the CA I had been looking for. LA was good for work and dear friends, but here I found and immersed in my spirit family). I took Neo-Tantra workshops. We eye gazed. I blinked, cringed, laughed, cried, I flicked my eyes back and forth quickly from one to the other of my partners eyes. It was awkward. It was intriguing. There was power there. It was actually a few years before I was in a workshop where the leader was savvy enough to cut out this awkwardness and have us each stare into each other's left eye, then right eye. Phew - that was relieving!

Actually, soon before BurningMan, I did have a love in LA with whom I had a meditational Puja and we connected 3rd eye centers. That was a deep kind of intimate eye gazing, though more naturally experimental. It's fun, try it! Bringing your faces close, you can get to the place where you see them as having one big eye and it feels like your brain waves are connected. This was also a breakthrough.

I since have learned, that we do ‘sync up’, psychological states/ heart beats, breath, etc.., after 3 minutes of eye gazing.

Now, I gaze at my Self, and the many variations of self that travel with. I talk to me/them in the mirror, I let all the children inside know that we are ok now. I celebrate myself just by looking into the eyes with approval, the approval that I didn't get growing up. I've been practicing this eye gazing thing for a long time now, usually just for a few minutes at a time.

I am now able to receive fully the beauty and pain of the world and I do not hide myself. Now I gaze at everyone I meet. I gaze at the divine and the way it expresses itself through them. I see them, I honor them with my eyes, I invite them to be at ease and open, simply with my eyes (& smiles!;)

Sometimes I still catch myself in the old habit of looking away quickly. I invite myself to remember to slow down and look with the eyes of love, who knows no time. I notice when I turn away, that I am turning away from love. I work to keep noticing the habits that do not serve life. I give myself space to soften, be present, even - or especially - in awkwardness or discomfort.

The gaze can hold a strong container for someone to feel safe. The gaze can let someone know you need a container in which to feel safe. The gaze can say “stay out, I am afraid, I am defensive, I am judging…” or, “dive deep into me, I am open, I trust or want to trust”… The gaze can reveal truth without speaking. The gaze is connection. Connection is how we heal the trauma of lack of connection or the disconnection that happens when we experience trauma.

Eye contact between humans and dogs has also proven to raise levels of oxytocin (happy hormone) in both beings. This is the same bonding chemical occurring with the gaze between infants and parents. Video can inspire some of this chemical expression as well, more than voice alone, but far less than live, in person contact. Many opportunities - get it where you can!

My adult child has been practicing eye gazing with self in the mirror for 3 hour sits, for the last couple of years. I thought that there was no way I could sit so long just looking at myself, with all that I have to do, yet they insisted - it must be 3 hours!  Now that we are in quarantine, my schedule is a bit more my own. I decided to leave other work for the day and try it - naked, without makeup… Wow. Try it. Do all 3 hours. It’s real, something happens just at the end. There is a breakthrough that is profound. Observe and sit with the discomfort of the other hours. It’s worth it! Healing just happens when we are present for ourselves. I will do this many more times to see what else is there. I’d like to try with a partner for 3 hours! After doing this with myself , I WANTED to connect more fully with those around me. Oh!, and how we need that now more than ever! I see others looking away more quickly than usual too, with all the confusion and pain of social distancing.

The greatest epiphany from staring at myself for so long this time- even while seeing all of my asymmetry, aging and so forth- was that I love myself. I have unveiled my truth of steady & strong - even in the wavering & faltering. I have come to truly love myself. I can critique with out beating myself up. I can sit and look at myself for 3 hours!!! without hating, judging, feeling disgust, contempt or wanting to run away entirely. Yes, I scrutinized, yes, I got distracted, yes my monkey mind wanted to do a million other things. I stayed. I saw. I held myself. I went in with curiosity. I experienced shadows of old perspectives on self inquire about their place. There was no present place for them. Healing has happened. It is still happening. What a relief to not want to smash the person I was looking at! I have smashed many mirrors, on purpose - with self hatred, in my life. This impulse was not there at all. It was a joyful relief to feel my own steady, connected presence with myself. I worked for this. I am rewarded. This is possible for anyone. I know this. I wish this for you in connection with your self and others. I encourage you to practice with all of the eyes that you are so blessed to meet...

"...when the eye is cleansed, of whatever's been covering it,
You become a guide to love, Just like the eye itself " - Rumi

“When the heart is full, the eyes overflow.” – Sholom Aleichem

“Let my soul smile through my heart and my heart smile through my eyes, that I may scatter rich smiles in sad hearts.” – Paramahansa Yogananda

“Just because a man lacks the use of his eyes doesn’t mean he lacks vision.” – Stevie Wonder

“Open your eyes, look within. Are you satisfied with the life you’re living?” – Bob Marley

“Anyone who has ever looked into the glazed eyes of a soldier dying on the battlefield will think hard before starting a war.” – Otto von Bismarck

“Where words are restrained, the eyes often talk a great deal.” – Samuel Richardson

“The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.” – Marcel Proust

“The eyes shout what the lips fear to say.” – William Henry

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant? “ – Henry David Thoreau

“For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone.” – Audrey Hepburn

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WHAT IS HEALING?

2/24/2020

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WHAT IS HEALING?
A profoundly simple and ultimately provocative question posed by a student of yoga who is healing from trauma inspired this writing of my personal reflections. This informal writing is informed by decades of healing work, study, and conversations with fellow healers. I hope that it is supportive to you &/or someone you love.
HEALING IS the connection to and unfolding of our true self, our vital center - who and what we are beyond the limitations of story, personality and worldly identity. It is integrating the wisdom of all of our experiences to this center. It is the embracing, the bringing together of all aspects of our being. It is remembering our innate wholeness.
What is sickness then, what is trauma, what is injury?... it is the fragmentation of our being, the splits in personality (or skin, bones, etc.. but we are focusing on energetic/ emotional healing here), it is the stuffing away of experience because it is too painful to deal with in the moment.
Healing is the reveal and digestion of these things. This might not feel like healing at first, but more like a falling apart, a mess of emotions, thoughts, memories, fears, pains, stories, and even a crumbling of identity / “identity crisis”. We can feel like we are losing ourselves on the way to healing. Our protective and carefully constructed identities can prove to not be our self, our truth, and the falling away can feel devastating or potentially so.
Why some people choose not to heal is just that.. “What if i don't come back, what if i go crazy, what if i break irreparably, what if someone sees me all in pieces, a mess … and i am rejected” - these fears touch on our primal fear of death, abandonment, betrayal, being shamed and outcast.
Healing is
Coming home
Healing is finding yourself
Healing is connecting all parts of self to Self
Healing is embracing all of yourself and your experience as your strength, beauty and wisdom
Healing is growth
Healing is finding and re-membering our center.
Because we so often we cannot SEE healing or growth happening, does not mean it's not happening.. Healing happens sitting in meditation, introspection and contemplation.
All that happens in the seed, in the dark, is part of the growth. All that happens to crack that seed open and messily spoil its contents into the rich dark netherrealms is an integral part of the growth. The cracking, the mess, the destruction of an old shell (identity) is crucial to the growth of what is to come.
Healing is the feeling & integration of our experiences.

Notice the embodied experience - notice how feelings show up in the body in the way of tension, held breath, etc.. that may then be triggering further coloring of our ongoing experiences as we are ‘on alert’, looking out for the ‘dangers lurking in the underbrush’.

Healing is... seeking & transmuting the trapped stories, the holds, releasing these biomechanical patterns of reactivity and protection to experience our ‘now’ with open awareness unfettered by past trauma.

Giving time and space for things to arise from the subconscious in a way that can be witnessed, felt and not experienced as a reactive (triggered) state, (stemming from present moment perceived danger, based in past experience cues alerted in our subconscious) in order to be with them. When we can sit in the fire of discomfort and witness what wants to be seen, it will move and change, it will eventually dissolve or transmute into something new.

Allowing the light of awareness to seek out and rest / shine on all aspects of self. Leave nothing untended, ignored, pushed aside, denied - these things will fester, grow and change until we do not recognize them anymore & it is harder to discover their source or prohibit them from coming out sideways in unexpected situations.

Source doesn't always matter, know that. It doesn’t always matter why you are the way you are or who did what to you. Although, in some cases it can be helpful to address the source so that we can forgive. Forgiveness of self and others is healing.
Just don't get stuck.
Feel and move and allow the feelings to move.
Sometimes they will move just by being seen/ felt.
Sometimes we hold, as they say, “our issues in our tissues” & we must move the body to release the holding patterns. We must make new shapes and movements to begin to create a new ‘norm’, or a new homeostasis. If the body has been held in a protective pattern for a long time it can take a while to unwind. The physical and energetic are inextricably linked.

Do the thing that scares you.
Do the thing that hurts (emotionally), let those tears flow, let the poison out.
Do the thing that makes you shake. Shake on purpose. Shake out the stuck stuff. Shake in the anger or fear that maybe you did not let yourself feel once, so that it stops showing up exaggerated or out of place in the now.

Re-perspect fear, sadness and emotional pain.
Our nervous systems are wired to flight/ flight/ freeze when we are afraid. We have been conditioned to be afraid of sadness and emotional pain because it is not comfortable and has been demonstrated to us that it is not socially acceptable to be upset, because we might upset others &/ or be shunned for being a downer. So we resist our feelings, we hide in shame, we lash out and blame… We perpetuate these feelings this way. We must honor our pain.
What if we embraced all human emotions and held each other with honoring as we support each other moving through, (instead of stuffing down or getting caught up in) our pain with presence and acceptance that this is what humans do. We feel, we move, we change.

Re-perspect physical sensation (which might be perceived as pain)
Notice that when you are ‘triggered’ you might hold your breath, feel a gripping, pain, nausea or tension in the body. We often grip against feeling the held fears or memories in the bodymind, this can show up as pain. This may just be sensation that is calling our attention to a deeper need. It will turn into actual pain if we try to force our way through it. We need to train ourselves to listen, breathe and lean in gently in order for the gripping to unwind.

Triggers are messages from the bodymind about things that are ready to be moved, changed, healed. They are not intended to be ‘scary’, socially unacceptable things that we avoid. Triggers may be warning us of people or situations to avoid, (thank you subconscious mind - & in the NOW we must discern whether or not that warning is valid).

It is beautiful that our current social awareness is awakening to the need to give ‘trigger warnings’, knowing that it is not always the time or place to feel, heal, or bring up undigested or uncomfortable experiences. Nonetheless, these things arise in our consciousness so that we may hear, see, feel and heal them / those parts of ourselves that are ready to heal.** We can do these things so much more powerfully together when we see that others have similar experiences and that there is nothing “wrong” with us.

** “Long-term avoidance of triggers increases the likelihood that the affected person will develop a disabling level of PTSD.[7] Identifying and addressing trauma triggers is an important part of treating PTSD.[6] “
…”While research on the effects of trigger warnings is limited[8][9][10], several scientists with knowledge in this area have suggested that trigger warnings may be counterproductive and actually increase anxiety and PTSD symptoms.[11][12][13]”
(quoted from Wikipedia page on “trauma triggers”. I looked this up to find “evidence” that i could quote to support my assertion and personal experience. I am aware that confidence in Wikipedia as a source of reputable information is variable. And, the first thing i saw was directly in alignment with what i was saying and had lots of links to references, so i'm sharing it.)

There is so much harmful stigma about being ‘wrong’. So often, being wrong is how we find right. Falling down is part of learning to use our bodies in new ways. Can we re-frame the learning process in a way that supports the power of vulnerability, can we welcome being seen dancing with the wobble that helps us find center?

To heal and support others’ healing with integrity we must embrace the truth of ourselves and all beings as susceptible to illness, frailty and death.

Healing is the expansion of our center. Yoga is the expansion of our center. We practice expanding the center so that we can steady here, so that we can hold the ‘dark and the light’ at the same time without seeing them as contrary forces.

The more that we visit our center, the more it expands and becomes easier to access. The feeling at center is clear, quiet and beyond the questioning of words. The knowing beyond words will not respond with words when we question it. It is “pratibha” (in yoga/ sanskrit), the silent knowing of instinct, intuition and inspiration.
We may never ‘heal’ from some things entirely. The scars and residue of trauma may always be present, but as we strengthen and expand our connection to center, these things fade, affect us less, get further away and have less impact, & / or shorter duration when the influence of them does arise. We gain more tools and grow to know ourselves beyond our old stories. We can see and feel the pain without getting caught up in or identifying with it. (Phew! Thank goodness!)
This is healing...

As i write this, i realize that there is a book of words and views possible here.. I do not claim to have them all or that any of the things i say are absolute truth for all. They are what i have learned from self study, study of ancient texts, modern scientific reports and personal experience with myself and others.
I am interested in what healing is to you. Please share. I would love community dialogue around this. No one is wrong. No one has all of the answers. No words can really speak the whole truth, but only point to our limited perspective of it. Let us dance with the vibrations that move us. Let us be kind to each other and curious about one another's experiences.

...

Thank you to all of the darlings that i threw this question out to during the writing process.. Your perspectives and experiences fed my reflections. Thank you especially to Jess Chubb & Ola’i Wildeboar - my constant inspirations and sounding angels. Thank you to my teachers, including my students, on the path of healing whose teachings and lineages echo through me. Thank you to the time of peace in the Kashmiri Valley, India, over a millenia ago, where much of the wisdom and practices that i have utilized for my own healing was cultivated and catalogued. Thank you to all the witches and the synthesizers of healing practices old and new, too many to name, who ripple the healing wisdom out into the world. Blessed be.

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WHAT IS HEALING?

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