Yes, we lived the honeymoon period BIG and bright ! We went on adventures new to both of us, processed openly together, laughed and sweated in our vulnerability. Then we got pregnant less than 4 months in, that was big. Scary. It was literally life shaking, but that is another story. We were in love lust adoration crushing hard, feeling the magick. That is all that mattered. IT was there. We listened to the call of nature and we followed thru. 16+ years later, still strong and happy. HOW!?
For years i was sure that the sky was gonna fall, that there was no way things could be good for so long. I would suspect some creeping evil to be lurking under this mans steady veneer. I would feel the antagonism between us in an argument and think, "Oh, this is it now, its the end for sure. We are not meant to be together." I would feel longing for someone more this or that...
It has not always been easy. So often the things that attract us are indeed the things that challenge or repel us and vice/versa. You know those people you can't stand, they are around you for a reason. This too the blessed reflection of relationship. Well, with us there have been revelations upon revelations and much patience and persistence to ride the waves. I have been the fierce weather. He has been the rock. Sometimes too cool a rock. Sometimes my weather too fierce for his gentle sensibilities. But alas, i need that cool and he knowingly chose me for my fiery nature. And so it is, we seek out what we need.
Many of my previous relationships were exactly what i needed at the time; a reflection of my father stuff, a feeling of safety, the thrill of instability...all in their own time, with their own challenges and gifts. Thank you all, my friends, for your role in this play we all create together that we all may know ourselves more fully.
May we recognize our demons and how we scorn them in those around us. May we see what these 'demons' really need. We all have the same needs. It takes patience and practice to PAUSE ll. Pause, and see the need underneath the behavior. If we can connect to each others innate humanness and look beyond the constructs of ego, conditioning, personality, etc.. then we find the truth that connects us. This goes for ALL relationships. When someone feels fear or shame they will often act out in anger - is this because they want a fight, really? No, of course not. They want, as we all do, to feel safe, honored, loved.
I have been blessed with friends and this love that is honest AND honoring. Each time we can give this love and honoring to ourselves, to each other we heal old wounds, we step into our power, our true power - the power of the heart. It is this power of the heart that will heal the world. Each time we push away what we see inside us or curse it in another we perpetuate the pain. Each time we run away from a familiar pattern in a relationship, we find it again in the next one.
As i have managed to not jump out of the car during a fight and not abandon this deep work in our relationship, not run away when things were hard, so our toolbox has grown. We have a strong foundation, strong holds to weather any storm.
Some of our best tools have been; NVC - Non-violent communication, Non-Dual Tantrik Philosophy (thank you Hareesh Wallis), Yoga overall - breathing, moving, meditation together and on our own.
Best teachings from his wise parents (thank you Ron and Barbara Wilbur) who were together for 66 years (until his passing last year).; 1. You Only Get 7 out of 10 (of your list of ideal mate qualities), Have friends for the rest. 2. Sex is the glue. 3. take time away from regular life for relationship maintenance.
And on the mention of sex. It was pivotal for us to learn about tumescence (from Taoists sexual teachings). Sometimes we will be hating on each other when we want/need each other the most - pent up sexual energy acting out as irritation. Recognize this, if it has been a while and you are being mean to each other, take some small intimate action to warm back up - massage, bath, appreciations... Or if you can muster it - just DO IT! Stay present, breathe into it - feel the moment, connect!
All of your efforts will be rewarded. The more you put in, the more you get out.. and this does not mean giving and giving. This means patience, courage, vulnerability. Ask for what you need, see and address your friends needs. Know your demons, see theirs. This is not YOU or THEM, there is no blame or judgement. This is conditioning, things the mind bore at some point to protect itself. Feed these things in yourself and all the world the nectar of the thing they truly NEED. Feed what serves LIFE. Live fulfilled. You are so worthy. It is worth the work to be in service to your relationships. Then we remember our connections, our innate wholeness. We are vehicles for the highest good for ALL. LOVE...