the Crushing Weight of Mountains
I am so grateful not to be pressed by the crushing weight of mountains today
Mountains that I cannot climb, that I cannot get out from under
I am relieved to not be crushed by the weight of “me” today.
In this moment I am free from the dismal density of self-doubting reality
Today the burden of self-hood does not press so painfully upon me
As it once did, as it so often has, as it in passing, still sometimes does…
Now I know this cruel trick of fate, - that trickster - trying to make me believe
That I am make-believe, trying to deceive me with the belief that I am not enough
That I am not worthy, that I am broken, beyond repair, a gaping wound that will never heal...
In this world of make-believe, I am what I believe.
I believe what I am taught
Until I un-school myself. & so I have, beneath the crushing weight of mountains
The smallest most meaningless molecules of me have struggled to breathe and thought
Why bother
Then, something flea size fly size butterfly size mouse size rat size... something inside outside
Wide as the swaths of stars, deep as the dark depths of earth beyond my comprehension
Beyond words…
- those complicated harbingers of belief-
Something stirred, still stirs, …stillness stirring… incomprehensibly
A glimmering, the residue of stars, sparkles of my truth, divine truth, finds itself dancing
Stillness is part of dancing, It sets the whirl to blaze
I dye in this empty stillness… I find nothing nothing nothing
Which soon, though slowly, exposes itself as everything, everything, everything...all the colors
retch and yawl, creep and crawl, stretch out from their glimmering, yearning, turning to roar fires of desire
To live. Fully.
To find truth, curiosity, wonder, adventure, expression, relation, compassion, celebration...
What is it to be alive in this body? why is it one would want to die before life is done with this body?
What part of me wants to dye?, what expired aspect is sacrificing itself for change, for growth
Of new life
I am a force of nature
You are a force of nature
We are a force of nature
Nature shows us how to do this
We have so much life to live
So much love to give
Love is breathing us
The love of the universe is dancing through us
Its creation
We are the universe celebrating its creation
Doubting its creation
Like all artists creating, doubt and questioning are parts of the process
that bring forth the form of the whole
Aren’t they?
Like the way that expressing grief breeds joy and feeling the fullness of love and joy gives way to grief...
Nothing permanent, nothing lasting…
Everything gives itself to what’s next
This is healing, this is living, all the humble and resistant receiving
All the generous overflow and also, the sometimes fearful clutching of the giving
All of it, all of it, all of it, parts of the song to which we are dancing
